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Biden Angry He Can’t Make Money On Holiday Honoring Presidents
2/19/2024 Washington, D.C. – In a controversial statement earlier today, President Joe Biden demanded that the stock market and banks be opened on President’s Day, despite the holiday tradition of being closed. “This is outrageous – as President, I should be able to buy and sell stocks whenever I want, holidays be damned,” Biden fumed.…
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Mystery Solved! Exhumed Body Reveals Puzzle Answer
2/15/2024 Adamsville, TN – A cold case that has confounded authorities for over 50 years has finally been cracked wide open, thanks to clues uncovered during the recent exhumation of Pauline Pusser, wife of the late McNairy County Sheriff Buford Pusser. Pusser was tragically killed in 1967 by a barrage of incoming gunfire while riding…
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Phil The Groundhog Cites Unfair Labor Practices
2/12/2024 Punxsutawney, PA – In a shocking development, famed weather prognosticator Phil the Groundhog announced today that he is filing a lawsuit against the state of Pennsylvania for unfair labor practices. “For too long I have been forced to work 365 days a year with no vacation or sick leave,” a visibly angry Phil told…
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Trump Urges Nato Members To “Send Valentines”
2/13/2024 New York – Former President Donald Trump made some eyebrow-raising remarks today about NATO countries that don’t send him Valentine’s Day cards. “You know, I’ve done so much for NATO. So much,” Trump said in an interview. “But do you think most of those countries bother to send me a nice Valentine? No. It’s…
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Local Man Claims Dogs Are Aliens From Outer Space
2/4/2024 Colorado Springs, CO – Area eccentric Hank Collier held a press conference today to reveal his theory that man’s best friend is actually an alien species sent to invade Earth. “Just look at this yellow Lab!” Wilson exclaimed while pointing frantically at a picture of a happy, tail-wagging Labrador Retriever. “Its face is practically…
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Coma Patients Told To Blink Once For Trump At Iowa Caucuses
1/15/2024 Des Moines, IA – The Iowa caucuses are always full of surprises, but this year brought an unprecedented directive from the Trump campaign to comatose supporters. Volunteers have been instructed to go room to room at local hospitals and ask coma patients to blink once to indicate their vote for Trump. “We can’t afford…
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