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Fire Department Responds To Eggsaggerated Fire
02/28/2025 Willow Creek, CA – Local firefighters arrived at the home of Gerald and Martha Hendricks Friday morning only to find no actual fire—just two sexagenarians engaged in a heated dispute over the charred remains of what were once intended to be over easy eggs. Gerald Hendricks, 67, reportedly reached his breaking point after his…
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Bill To Make National Toast Day A Federal Holiday
2/27/2025 Washington, D.C. – Little known National Toast Day made headlines today as Congressman Buck “Butter” Wheatley (R-Kansas) introduced a bill that would establish National Toast Day as a federal holiday. If passed into law, the day would be used to commemorate the massive government downsizing initiative spearheaded by Trump and the Department of Government…
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NIH Discovers New ‘Procrastination Gene’
2/26/2025 Washington, D.C. – In what experts are calling “the most delayed scientific breakthrough in history,” researchers at the recently gutted National Institutes of Health have announced the discovery of the “procrastination gene,” a genetic marker first identified in 1940 but which scientists “just never got around to” announcing until now. The discovery comes just…
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Trump Unveils Lip Balm Tax
2/25/25 Washington, D.C. – In what analysts are calling “the most moisturizing fiscal policy of our time,” President Trump announced today a revolutionary new tax on lip balm products, determined to make the Food and Drug Administration financially solvent after the Department of Government Efficiency (DOGE) dramatically trimmed the agency’s workforce. “We’re going to have…
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Musk Email Request Unleashes Inner Child
2/24/2025 Washington, D.C. – Chaos erupted across federal agencies over the weekend when an Elon Musk email demanded all employees list “5 bullet points of what you accomplished last week” or face “termination.” Responses are due by midnight tonight and caused perhaps the greatest collective regression to childhood in world history. White House insiders report…
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CPAC: Vance’s Big Reveal
2/23/2025 National Harbor, MD – In a series of explosive revelations at this year’s Conservative Political Action Conference (CPAC), multiple speakers warned attendees about the Democrat’s “radical leftist agenda” pointing to what they claim is overwhelming evidence of their socialist sympathies. “Just look at the facts, people,” declared JD Vance, gesturing wildly at a PowerPoint…
The Journalist BS 