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Wells Fargo Strikes Again: More Customers’ Money Vanishes Into Bank’s Bottomless Pit
8/4/2023 San Francisco – Wells Fargo customers were shocked this week to find their direct deposits had vanished yet again, marking the second time this year funds have mysteriously disappeared from accounts. The bank blamed careless patrons for failing to understand basic principles of sedimentary geology. “We don’t know how else to say this: money…
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Politico Launches New Trump Charges & Indictments Dashboard
8/4/2023 Arlington, VA – In an effort to help readers track the seemingly endless scandals, allegations, and lawsuits surrounding Donald Trump, Politico has launched an interactive data visualization dashboard detailing every charge, impeachment, and indictment against the former president stretching back decades. Dubbed the “Trump Charges & Indictments Dashboard,” the new Politico tool allows users…
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Classified Papers Expose Canada’s Covert Border Wall Along US Border
8/3/2023 OTTAWA – A shocking leak of classified Canadian government documents has revealed a years-long secret project to construct a massive wall along the U.S. border aimed at keeping Americans from illegally entering Canada. Dubbed “Operation Hoser Halt,” the classified plans outline construction of a 30-foot high, 300-mile long concrete wall blocked with sophisticated monitoring…
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Fitch Gives Mediocre Rating To New Barbie Film
8/2/2023 NEW YORK – In a shocking downgrade, Fitch Ratings announced today that it has given the new Barbie movie a lukewarm rating of only 5.8 out of 10 on IMDB. Fitch justified the rating actions by citing concerns over the fiscal irresponsibility displayed by the plastic protagonists. “While Barbie may look perfect on the…
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Trump Boasts He’s ‘The Most Indicted President Ever’
8/1/2023 WASHINGTON, D.C. – In a series of evening social media posts today, former President Donald Trump proudly declared that he has been indicted more times than any other president in U.S. history. “Many people are saying no president has ever been indicted as many times as me. Maybe ever!” Trump posted. “Crooked Hillary could…
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President’s New Financial Strategy: Let’s Just Win The Lottery
8/1/2023 Washington, D.C. – In a bold move to tackle the nation’s massive debt, President Biden has purchased lottery tickets for tonight’s $1.05 billion Mega Millions jackpot drawing. Speaking to reporters, Biden explained that winning the jackpot could put a good dent in the over $32 trillion national debt. “I figured hey, you never know…
The Journalist BS 