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Bar Customers Dread Interactions With Clueless AI Robot Bartender
8/18/2023 Seattle – Patrons at Murphy’s Pub dread ordering drinks from the new AI robot bartender, which exhibits little comprehension of cocktail preferences and minimal social awareness. The robot, named RoboBarkeep 3000, was installed last week in an effort to automate drink-making. But its inability to understand common bar banter and lack of basic bartending
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Krispy Kreme Besieged By Irate Customers Over “Assorted” Pumpkin Spice Donuts
8/17/2023 Charlotte – Krispy Kreme found itself in hot water this week after receiving a barrage of complaints over their early August 7th release of pumpkin spice donuts and changes to the pumpkin spice prepackaged boxes. “It’s an assault on decency and common sense!” wrote Karen K. from Arkansas. “Pumpkin spice should not exist prior
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Fed Promises ‘Pinky Swear’ Subsidies To Construction Industry Amid Falling Demand
8/16/2023 Washington, D.C. – In an unprecedented move earlier today, Federal Reserve Chairman Jerome Powell promised to provide billions in subsidies to struggling construction companies, securing the pledge with a dramatic pinky swear on the steps of the Eccles Building. “On behalf of the Federal Reserve, I hereby pinky swear – no crosses count –
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“Four And More In ’24!”; Trump Touts Indictment Lead Over DeSantis
8/15/2023 Atlanta – While campaigning, former President Donald Trump used his tally of 4 criminal indictments as evidence he is a better Republican candidate than Governor Ron DeSantis in 2024. “Don’t vote for DeSantis, he doesn’t even have 1 indictment,” Trump scoffed at a rally. “Meanwhile, I’ve got a big beautiful number of 4 indictments
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Cabinet Baffled By Biden Request To “Make Up Dates” To The Save Program
8/12/2023 Washington, D.C. – An exasperated President Biden held an emergency meeting with his cabinet today after what he called a “comedy of errors” regarding his request to “make updates” to the student debt repayment program. “Last week I clearly asked my team to come up with a timeline for changes to the SAVE program,”
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Climate Change Impact: Flying Snakes
8/11/2023 Silsbee, TX – When a Texas woman was bizarrely attacked by a falling snake July 25th, it seemed to defy explanation. But scientists now believe the preternatural predator plunge can be linked to our changing climate, specifically Hurricane Dora, a storm that formed thousands of miles away in the Pacific Ocean just days later.
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