10/12/2023 Washington, D.C. – In an effort to reduce accusations of election rigging and stolen elections, the Federal Election Commission (FEC) has issued new guidelines for the 2024 presidential election. All in-person voting machines and mail-in ballots will list either the Democratic or Republican candidate first 50% of the time. The FEC believes this will prevent partisan claims that one party’s candidate was unfairly placed first on ballots and machines, given research showing the first listed candidate gets a slight edge.

“We feel this innovative new approach will revolutionize the election process,” said FEC Chairwoman Matilda Thompson. “At the same time, we will begin enforcing blindfolding in-person voters and using invisible ink on mail-in ballots thereby taking the partisanship out of voting. Americans can cast their ballot for whoever fate chooses for them.”

“The American people are tired of all the fighting over electoral fairness,” Thompson explained. “Letting a coin flip determine the outcome will ensure neither Republicans nor Democrats can claim the election was rigged or stolen.”

While acknowledging the approach is unorthodox, Thompson said desperate times call for desperate measures. “With Donald Trump poised to be the Republican nominee again and Joe Biden running as the incumbent, we have to do something to unite this divided country,” she said.

Early polls show Americans split on the new voting method. Some praise its creativity and fairness, while others criticize the lack of voter choice and the random nature of selecting the leader of the free world.

“I’ll admit, it’s a risky move,” said Thompson. “But we’re essentially letting fate or chance determine our next president. What could go wrong with that?”

BY BS

The Journalist BS

Photo Credits: Microsoft Chat AI