Only Later To Discover Doctor Actually Said “Umbilical”

5/23/2025 – Springfield, MO

In what turned out to be a miscommunicated diagnosis, local resident Harold Picklebottom, 52, spent nearly a month attempting to spiritually combat what he believed was an “unbiblical hernia” before learning his doctor had actually diagnosed him with a standard umbilical hernia.

The confusion began during Picklebottom’s routine physical examination with Dr. Sarah Chen at Springfield Family Clinic. “I distinctly heard her say I had an unbiblical hernia,” Picklebottom insisted during a follow-up appointment. “Naturally, I assumed this was some sort of demonic medical condition that required both medical and spiritual intervention.”

Dr. Chen, who has been practicing medicine for 15 years, admitted she was initially baffled by her patient’s sudden interest in biblical medicine. “He kept asking me about scripture-based treatment options and whether we offered any ‘righteous hernias’ as an alternative,” she recalled, rubbing her temples. “I thought he was making a very niche religious joke.”

Upon hearing his diagnosis, Picklebottom immediately began what he called “Project Biblical Hernia Research,” scouring medical websites and religious texts for information about the theological implications of his condition. “I figured if there were unbiblical hernias, there had to be biblical ones too,” he explained. “The unbiblical ones are obviously harder to treat due to their evilness and all.”

His research led him to create a comprehensive treatment plan that included daily prayer sessions, holy water compresses, and a strict diet consisting only of foods mentioned in the Bible. “I cut out all modern processed foods and stuck to fish, bread, wine, and the occasional locust,” Picklebottom said. “I also burned sage around my belly button every morning to ward off the evil spirits causing the hernia.”

The situation escalated when Picklebottom contacted his pastor, Reverend Michael Thompson of First Baptist Church of Springfield, requesting an emergency exorcism for his abdominal area. “Harold called me at 2 AM asking if I had experience with ‘casting out hernias,’” Reverend Thompson recalled. “I’ve performed many spiritual healings, but medical conditions with clear anatomical causes aren’t typically in my wheelhouse.”

Picklebottom’s wife, Martha, grew increasingly concerned as her husband’s condition worsened. “He set up a prayer altar in our bedroom and kept muttering about ‘rebuking the hernia in Jesus’ name,’” she said. “I tried to tell him that maybe he misunderstood the doctor, but he was convinced this was spiritual warfare happening in his stomach.”

The truth finally came to light during a follow-up appointment when Dr. Chen noticed Picklebottom’s extensive religious preparation for the visit, including a pocket Bible and what appeared to be a small vial of holy water.

“I asked him why he brought religious items to a routine hernia consultation,” Dr. Chen explained. “That’s when he started talking about casting out his ‘unbiblical hernia,’ and I realized we’d had a massive miscommunication.”

After reviewing the medical records and billing from the original appointment, Picklebottom seemed relieved. “Clear as day, it shows ‘umbilical hernia,’” Dr. Chen pointed out. “It’s a perfectly common condition where tissue pushes through a weak spot near the belly button.”

Picklebottom took the news with surprising grace. “Well, that explains why none of my prayers seemed to be working,” he said. “Though I have to admit, I’m a little disappointed. An unbiblical hernia sounded way more exciting than regular old belly button problems.”

Dr. Chen added, “I’ve learned to enunciate very carefully when discussing umbilical hernias, now,” she said. “Though I have to give Harold credit—his dedication to what he thought was spiritual medical treatment was truly impressive.”

Picklebottom underwent successful umbilical hernia repair surgery last Tuesday and is recovering well. He plans to keep his biblical diet for a few more weeks, noting that “the locust protein really isn’t that bad once you get used to it.”

BY BS

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