New Title Will Replace Mr. President

May 3, 2025 – Washington, D.C.

In a chaotic press conference today in the newly renamed “Tremendous Room” in the White House, President Donald Trump emphatically demanded that all Americans, foreign dignitaries, and especially the “fake news media” address him exclusively as “Felon 47” effective immediately.

Standing behind a golden podium hastily installed, Trump addressed the gathered press corps with his characteristic hand gestures while explaining his decision.

“Listen folks, nobody knows felonies better than me. Frankly, I’ve got the best felonies, tremendous felonies. People are saying they’ve never seen felonies like mine,” Trump declared, his voice rising with enthusiasm. “So from now on no more Mr. President. It’s Felon 47, okay? Beautiful title. Very powerful. Much better than Sleepy Joe or Kamala—who, by the way, lost so badly. The worst loss in history, maybe ever.”

When CNN correspondent Janet Miller questioned the wisdom of embracing such a moniker, Trump immediately doubled down.

“Look, look—you people in the fake news don’t get it. It’s called branding, okay? Very powerful business concept. I wrote a book about it, very successful, sold millions. The 47 is because I’m the 47th president, the greatest number in the history of numbers, and the felon part—that’s what makes it so strong. So tough. Nobody messes with a felon,” Trump explained, making his signature “OK” hand gesture. “I’m taking it back, folks. The radical left Democrats tried to use it against me, but now it’s mine. It’s like when I made ‘you’re fired’ the biggest, most beautiful phrase in television history.”

White House staffers were seen distributing new business cards with “Felon 47” emblazoned in gold lettering, along with updated letterhead featuring the new presidential seal—now with what appears to be handcuffs incorporated into the design.

“Biden could never pull this off,” Trump continued unprompted. “He didn’t have the guts. But me? I embrace it. I’ve got the biggest criminal record, possibly ever. Some people are saying it’s the most impressive collection of charges they’ve ever seen from a sitting president.”

Press Secretary Karoline Leavitt later attempted to clarify the president’s remarks, but was quickly interrupted when Trump returned to the podium.

“By the way, we’re changing the presidential motorcade too. No more ‘Beast.’ Now it’s ‘The Prison Bus.’ Beautiful vehicle. Orange, like me. We’re leaning into it, folks. It’s called controlling the narrative. Very advanced strategy. The fake news media can’t attack me for being a felon if I call myself one first. Genius move, really. Many people are saying it’s the smartest political move in history.”

At press time, Trump was reportedly on the phone with the Treasury Department, exploring options to add “Felon 47” to all newly printed currency alongside his portrait, which he has requested be “at least 30% more handsome than in real life, but still very recognizable, the most recognizable face maybe ever.”

BY BS

The Journalist BS

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