Liberation Day Executive Order adds Multi-Million Dollar “Foreign Pitcher Tax”

April 6, 2025 – Los Angeles

In a stunning development that has left the baseball world both confused and amused, the Los Angeles Dodgers organization was informed last week that they too will be required to pay substantial tariffs on four of their pitchers under President Trump’s sweeping new import tax program.

Team executives were surprised when they received the official notice, printed on what appeared to be White House letterhead adorned with a gold-embossed baseball with stitching that suspiciously resembled a dollar sign.

“At first we thought it was a prank from the Giants,” said Dodgers Executive Vice President & General Manager Brandon Gomes, still visibly bewildered. “Then we got a call from the Treasury Department asking for our Venmo.”

According to the notice, the Dodgers face a 24% tariff on Japanese pitchers Roki Sasaki and Yoshinobu Yamamoto, a 10% tariff on Dominican Republic native Luis García, and—in what experts are calling “possibly the strangest tax in American history”—a 10% tariff on American-born Kirby Yates solely because he attended Yavapai College.

“We’ve never heard of Yavapai,” read the official explanation. “It sounds foreign. Could be in Europe. Could be in Asia. We don’t know. Until proven otherwise, we’re slapping a tariff on it.”

The calculation methodology for the tariffs was outlined in an appendix that several economists have described as “what would happen if you let a five-year-old program the IRS computers while on a sugar high.”

The formula reportedly includes the stated country’s tariff rate multiplied by annual revenues OR the following (whichever is higher):

• 17.3% of each pitcher’s salary
• $4.28 per ticket sold on days when the pitcher is wearing blue socks
• 3% of concession revenue from hot dogs (6% for specialty hot dogs)
• $12,500 per earned run allowed in home games
• A flat $50,000 fee for each time a pitcher scratches himself on camera
• Double taxation during night games played under a waxing gibbous moon
• A complex algorithm factoring in walk rate that somehow involves the Fibonacci sequence and the pitcher’s mother’s maiden name
• A “luxury import” surtax calculated by multiplying each strikeout by the pitcher’s total Instagram followers, divided by the current price of soybeans in Nebraska

When asked to explain the mathematical basis for these calculations, a Treasury Department spokesperson reportedly replied, “Look, we just really needed to make the numbers add up to a figure that would pay for those cool new ‘AMERICA’S #1’ foam fingers and pay for the proposed budget tax cuts.”

The Dodgers organization has reportedly begun seeking creative solutions to the tariff crisis. Sources say the team is considering having Yamamoto and Sasaki wear fake mustaches and pitch under the names “Bob Johnson” and “Joe Smith,” while Luis García will reportedly attempt to convince Trump officials that the Dominican Republic is actually just a neighborhood in Miami.

As for Kirby Yates, the team has hired a cartographer to prove that Yavapai College is, in fact, located in Prescott, Arizona, and not, as one Trump official reportedly suggested, “probably somewhere near Kazakhstan.”

In a final bizarre twist, the notice to the Dodgers concluded with an offer to reduce the tariffs to 15% of annual revenue if Dodger Stadium agrees to rename its famous Dodger Dogs to “Trump Dogs” and use orange colored mustard.

“We’ll just pay the tariff,” Gomes said with a sigh.

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