New Program For Executive Order Signings

March 23, 2025 – Washington D.C.

In a bold new approach to government transparency, the Trump administration announced today that all future executive orders will be signed in elaborate ceremonies featuring the very people whose lives will be upended by the policies.

“It’s going to be tremendous, just tremendous,” President Trump told reporters from the newly renamed “Thank You Very Much Briefing Room.” “We got the idea when we had those cute kids thanking me for destroying their education department and forcing Zelenskyy to thank us repeatedly again and again. The ratings both times were through the roof! Bullying people into submission…it’s beautiful! “

The initiative, dubbed “Gratitude Governance,” will debut next week when the President signs an executive order slashing Veterans Affairs programs. White House staffers have been spotted scouring homeless encampments and VA hospitals with clipboards, recruiting participants.

“We’re looking for the perfect mix,” explained a DOGE efficiency expert who requested anonymity. “We need veterans with untreated PTSD who can remain composed on camera, disabled veterans, VA cancer patients who won’t cough during the President’s remarks and recently fired Veterans Affairs employees who still have professional attire.”

Participants will be seated at military-style folding tables and given official-looking binders containing pre-written statements such as “Thank you for eliminating my burdensome healthcare” and “I’m grateful my PTSD therapy was wasteful government spending.”

White House sources report that Elon Musk, the de facto leader of DOGE, suggested enhancing the ceremonies with special effects. “What if we had dollar bills raining down while the veterans reveal their thank-you notes?” Musk reportedly asked during a planning meeting. “It really visualizes the efficiency.”

When questioned about the ethics of making vulnerable citizens participate in ceremonies celebrating policies that harm them, Press Secretary Karoline Leavitt defended the practice as “participatory democracy.”

“The President believes in bringing government directly to the people,” Leavitt said. “Sometimes quite literally, as we’ll see when we invite Social Security recipients to thank us for their benefit cuts while seated on ice floes being pushed out to sea.”

The White House gift shop is already selling commemorative pens inscribed with the phrase “Thank You For Your Sacrifice (To Efficiency).”

At press time, administrators were reportedly struggling to find EPA scientists willing to participate in next month’s “Thank You For Letting Me Breathe Coal Dust” ceremony.

BY BS

The Journalist BS

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