3/20/2025 Washington, D.C. – In a press conference that left reporters questioning whether to laugh or check their stock portfolios, DOGE czar and Tesla CEO Elon Musk addressed the recent wave of attacks on Tesla vehicles with his trademark blend of candor and catastrophic PR judgment.

“Listen, I appreciate the enthusiasm,” Musk said, gesturing vaguely toward a PowerPoint slide showing a burning Tesla. “But these vandals are really wasting good Molotov cocktails. Our vehicles will eventually combust all on their own, just like our SpaceX rockets. It’s part of the user experience we don’t advertise.”

The billionaire, who now splits his time between running his X companies and dismantling federal agencies with the efficiency of a toddler reorganizing a china shop, explained that self-immolation is actually “a feature, not a bug.”

“We’re actually considering adding it to the marketing materials,” Musk continued while posting on X, “Tesla: Zero emissions until the spontaneous combustion.”

When pressed about consumer safety concerns, Musk chuckled. “Safety? We’re disrupting the entire concept of safety. Think about it—in the future, everyone will expect their cars to occasionally explode. We’re just ahead of the curve.”

The Department of Transportation reportedly was unavailable for comment due to DOGE budget cuts. However, Tesla stock somehow rose 12% on the news, with analysts citing “impressive honesty about product flaws” as a bullish indicator.

At press time, vandals across the country were reportedly standing down, with one anonymous protester telling this reporter, “We can’t compete with Musk’s ability to torpedo his own company. We’re just going to grab some popcorn and watch.”

BY BS

The Journalist BS

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