3/16/2025 Washington, D.C. – In an unprecedented extension of immigration policy, Secretary of State Marco Rubio announced today a sweeping initiative to remove all Canadian Geese from United States territory, citing documentation irregularities and unpaid tariffs.

“These birds have been flying across our border for decades without proper paperwork,” Rubio declared at a press conference held at the Lincoln Memorial Reflecting Pool, where several geese watched from a distance. “Canada has never paid a single cent in tariffs for these seasonal migrants. This ends now.”

The initiative, dubbed “Operation Northern Migration,” will deploy specialized ICE units equipped with bread crumbs, butterfly nets, and goose calls to detain the estimated 5.5 million Canadian Geese currently residing in the United States.

“These are not American birds,” Rubio insisted, as he displayed a chart showing the distinctive black neck and white cheek patches that identify the foreign waterfowl. “Look at them – they’re literally wearing Canadian colors. They don’t even try to assimilate.”

President Trump praised the initiative on his social media platform, writing: “Secretary Rubio is doing FANTASTIC work protecting our parks and golf courses from these ILLEGAL BIRDS! They’re loud, they’re messy, and they’ve been taking advantage of our BEAUTIFUL GRASS for too long!”

The Canadian Ambassador expressed bewilderment at the announcement, noting that the birds, scientifically known as Branta Canadensis, “don’t actually carry passports” and that “migratory patterns predate the concept of national borders by several million years.”

Wildlife experts have pointed out that many of the targeted geese are actually permanent U.S. residents whose ancestors stopped migrating generations ago, prompting Rubio to announce a “goose genealogy verification program” to identify “true Americans with wings.”

When questioned about the logistics of deporting millions of flying animals, Rubio unveiled plans for a “big, beautiful bird wall” consisting of strategically placed scarecrows along the Canadian border.

“And yes,” Rubio added, “we’re going to make Canada pay for it. Plus the new 25% tariff on all future seasonal migrations.”

At press time, sources confirmed that a pilot deportation attempt had failed after the geese simply flew over the ICE detention transport vehicles.

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