3/12/2025 Washington D.C. – President Donald Trump went forward today with the 25% tariff on Canadian steel imports alongside a surprise nationwide ban on plastic spatulas, citing concerns over “microscopic plastic particles” entering the American diet.

“We’re going to flip this economy like the perfect pancake, and keep your stomachs plastic free,” declared Trump from the White House Rose Garden, brandishing what aides confirmed was a domestically produced stainless steel spatula. “Everyone says Trump doesn’t follow the science. Wrong! This is tremendous science. The best science.”

The President went on to explain that the decision came after “reading many, many scientific papers” about microplastics in food. “These plastic spatulas, they’re melting into your eggs. They’re getting into your pancakes. Not good! And nobody was talking about it until I did.”

In a moment that sent legal experts scrambling, Trump added, “It might just be illegal for people to use plastic spatulas. We’ll have to look into that,” causing the Justice Department to issue an immediate clarification that kitchen utensil choice remains protected under current law.

The move has sent shockwaves through both international trade markets and suburban kitchen drawers across the nation. Major retailers report that stainless steel spatulas have already sold out nationwide, with secondary markets showing markups of up to 800% for basic models.

“I’ve been a plastic spatula user my entire life,” said Martha Pamcakes, a confused homemaker from Ohio. “Now I have to remortgage my house to afford a stainless steel one? Thanks, Mr. President.”

Supply chain experts are already dubbing the coming year “The Great Spatula Shortage of 2025,” with some predicting that desperate Americans may resort to flipping pancakes with everything from license plates to vinyl records.

Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau responded with visible confusion during an emergency press conference. “I appreciate the health concerns, but is this really about microplastics or just boosting American steel? We’re very confused up here.”

When CNN’s Jake Reynolds pointed out the apparent contradiction with Trump’s executive order just last month that reversed a Biden administration ban on single use plastic straws in federal buildings, the President launched into what White House insiders call “Classic Trump.”

“Look, that’s a totally different thing. Completely different,” Trump insisted, waving the stainless steel spatula dangerously close to reporters. “Straws and spatulas have nothing to do with each other. Nothing. The Biden plastic straw ban was just more government overreach, terrible for businesses. But spatulas – spatulas are melting into your food! Big difference. Huge.”

The President continued, growing increasingly animated. “The so-called experts never studied spatula science until I came along. Straws don’t melt into your drink. I’ve tested it personally with many Diet Cokes, the best Diet Cokes. It is beautiful!”

As reporters began shouting follow up questions, Trump added, “And by the way, I’ve always been consistent on plastics. Nobody’s been more consistent. People are saying they’ve never seen such consistency on plastic policy. The fake news media doesn’t report that.”

Several journalists were spotted silently mouthing “What?” to each other.

“They never mention that I’ve been talking about bad spatulas for years. Years! Ask anyone who’s been to one of my beautiful properties. Gold-plated spatulas everywhere. We’re making America’s breakfast great again while keeping the convenience of straws. It’s what the American people want. It’s what they deserve.”

The White House has dubbed the policy “Operation Steel Yourself Against Microplastics,” with Trump claiming it will simultaneously create “upwards of seventeen million spatula related jobs” while “saving Americans from billions of invisible plastic bits.”

When pressed for the scientific studies behind the decision, White House spokesperson Karoline Leavitt distributed a hastily prepared document titled “Very Real Scientific Facts About Plastic Spatulas” before flipping an imaginary pancake of her own to show her stainless steel spatula support.

At press time, economic advisors were reportedly trying to explain to the President what a “tariff” actually is, using only pictures and very small words.

BY BS

The Journalist BS

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