3/10/2025 New York – In a desperate bid to find any silver lining in the current market meltdown, Wall Street has reportedly abandoned traditional securities in favor of trading exclusively in emoji futures, with the sad face 😢 and angry face 😠 emerging as the only profitable commodities in America’s financial hellscape.

“We’ve tried everything else,” explained Morgan Stanley analyst Jennifer Worthington, frantically refreshing her Bloomberg terminal now displaying only cartoon faces. “Stocks? Tanking. Bonds? Worthless. But sad face emoji futures are up 428% since lunch. It’s the only thing making sense in this market.”

As the Dow plummeted another nearly 900 points today, with the S&P down 2.69% and NASDAQ hemorrhaging 4%, traders have flocked to what they’re calling “emotional derivatives” – betting on which digital expressions of despair will dominate social media feeds in the coming quarters.

“The fundamentals are solid,” shouted veteran trader Chuck Wilson from the increasingly chaotic floor of the New York Stock Exchange, where traditional stock tickers have been replaced with giant scrolling emojis. “People are miserable about their 401(k)s, furious about fiscal policy, and utterly confused about tariffs. The sad-angry emoji combo pack is basically as good as gold used to be.”

Investment banks have rapidly established new divisions dedicated to emoji market analysis, with Goldman Sachs releasing its first “Emotional Sentiment Index” showing that 😠 futures are expected to outperform 😢 by late April, with 🤬 demonstrating “explosive growth potential” should additional budget cuts be announced.

Federal Reserve Chairman Jerome Powell addressed the situation in an emergency press conference, stating only “¯\_(ツ)_/¯” before walking off stage.

Meanwhile, retail investors are scrambling to understand this new market paradigm. “I’ve lost 40% of my retirement savings, but my teenager tells me I should be ‘long on skull emoji,’” said 57-year-old accountant David Hernandez. “Apparently it means something is dead, which pretty accurately describes my portfolio.”

As trading closed today, the only other asset class showing positive returns was the laughing-crying emoji 😂, which analysts attribute to investors’ collective hysteria as they watch their financial futures evaporate.

“At this point,” concluded Worthington, “we’re just waiting for the Fed to announce quantitative emoji easing. It makes as much sense as anything else right now.”

BY BS

The Journalist BS

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