3/6/2025 Boca Chica, TX – In what aerospace engineers are calling “technically not a complete failure,” a SpaceX rocket shattered confidence, expectations, and itself today, creating an impromptu fireworks display visible from five states. The space skimming flight lost it only a few minutes into what was supposed be an hour long voyage.

CEO Elon Musk took to social media platform X to assure investors that while the rocket may not have reached its intended destination, “fragments traveling at escape velocity have approximately a 0.0004% chance of reaching Mars sometime in the next century, which we’re counting as a successful mission.”

SpaceX spokesperson Amber Trajection told reporters, “Our competitors’ rockets merely explode. Ours explode with purpose and vision.”

This crash comes on the heels of Musk’s Starlink network being awarded a government contract to replace Verizon’s communications system contract at the Federal Aviation Administration. Musk led DOGE cuts have gutted the agency. Nevertheless, Trump ordered the FAA to “find millions of dollars” so the Starlink system could be funded.

Musk was quick to dismiss any hint of conflict of interest on the Starlink deal or safety concerns given Starlink’s explosive flight history. Instead, he focused on the crash blaming the deep state and questioning why the FAA was “sabotaging American innovation”. “The FAA clearly needs better communication capabilities,” Musk posted on X. “Coincidentally, I happen to own a space-based communications company that would be perfect for the job.”

Verizon released a statement reading simply: “Our network has 99.9% reliability. And 100% fewer explosions.”

SpaceX engineers remain optimistic, with one anonymous source stating, “The way we see it, we’re now operating the world’s most expensive confetti cannon. And that’s something, right?”

At press time, SpaceX was reportedly preparing for another launch tomorrow, with their new mission statement: “Reach for the stars, or at least reach escape velocity before disintegrating.”

BY BS

The Journalist BS