02/28/2025 Willow Creek, CA – Local firefighters arrived at the home of Gerald and Martha Hendricks Friday morning only to find no actual fire—just two sexagenarians engaged in a heated dispute over the charred remains of what were once intended to be over easy eggs.

Gerald Hendricks, 67, reportedly reached his breaking point after his wife’s “cook and walk away” technique incinerated what amounted to nearly $17 worth of cage free grade A large eggs—a commodity whose price has skyrocketed 342% since the devastating bird flu outbreak.

“We received a 911 dispatch about a fire at this address with the caller shouting something about ‘burning our retirement plan,’” said Fire Chief Dennis Morgan. “When we arrived, Mr. Hendricks was clutching an empty egg carton and sobbing uncontrollably.”

According to witnesses, Gerald had waited in line for three hours at Willow Creek Market to purchase the eggs, which required approval from his financial advisor and the temporary liquidation of assets.

“In my 22 years of service, I’ve never seen such financial devastation over breakfast,” said Lieutenant Sarah Jenkins, first responder at the scene. “The man was calculating lost savings in replacing those eggs. I guess it was more than he could take.”

Martha Hendricks defended her actions, insisting she had only stepped away “briefly” to check on their backyard chicken coop construction project—an investment the couple made after Gerald determined that raising their own chickens would be more economical than taking out a second mortgage to fund their egg consumption.

“How was I supposed to remember I had liquid gold sizzling on the stove?” Martha explained. “We’ve been married 40 years. This isn’t the first carton I’ve sacrificed to the kitchen gods, and it won’t be the last.”

The couple’s neighbors reported that Gerald had previously instituted strict egg rationing protocols in the household, including a sign out sheet, consumption quotas, and a household PowerPoint presentation titled “Eggs: The New Cryptocurrency-Handle With Care.”

Chief Morgan issued a statement following the incident: “While we appreciate Mr. Hendricks’ concern over this devastating financial loss, we would like to remind citizens that the emergency number is for actual emergencies, not for portfolio management or commodity crisis intervention.”

The Hendricks have reportedly reached a temporary truce, with Gerald agreeing to install a state-of-the-art egg monitoring system complete with motion sensors and Martha promising to wear an alarm necklace that sounds if she strays more than six feet from an active cooking surface.

At press time, local insurance companies had begun offering specialized “Breakfast Commodity Coverage” with deductibles starting at two dozen eggs or three pounds of bacon.

BY BS

The Journalist BS

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