2/26/2025 Washington, D.C. – In what experts are calling “the most delayed scientific breakthrough in history,” researchers at the recently gutted National Institutes of Health have announced the discovery of the “procrastination gene,” a genetic marker first identified in 1940 but which scientists “just never got around to” announcing until now.
The discovery comes just weeks after President Trump’s newly established Department of Government Efficiency (DOGE), headed by Special Advisor Elon Musk, slashed NIH funding and terminated workforce in what Musk called “an efficiency enema for bloated bureaucracy.”
Dr. Eleanor Putoff, one of the few remaining NIH scientists, explained the 85 year delay at a sparsely attended press conference today.
“The procrastination gene, or ‘LATER-1,’ was actually first documented in the summer of 1940,” said Putoff, speaking from a makeshift podium fashioned from empty filing cabinets. “The original researchers planned to publish their findings after the weekend, but then one thing led to another – there was a really nice company picnic, then World War II happened, Korean War, Civil Rights Movement, and the Vietnam Conflict were pretty distracting, and honestly, the whole Cold War vibe just wasn’t conducive to paperwork.”
According to hastily organized documentation, the LATER-1 gene predisposes individuals to extreme delay tactics and excuse generation. The White House has already announced plans to implement mandatory genetic testing for all federal job applicants, with President Trump hailing it as “the ultimate extreme vetting.”
“This breakthrough will revolutionize government hiring,” declared DOGE advisor Musk via a Tesla robot proxy that arrived 45 minutes late, citing “battery issues, traffic, and a really important X post that couldn’t wait.”
“We’ve already identified countless applications for this discovery,” Musk continued while his robot periodically buffered. “Besides screening federal employees, we can:
- Create targeted medications to help people finally clean out their garage
- Implement genetic therapy for chronic procrastinators
- Develop apps that adjust deadlines based on your genetic procrastination profile
- Issue special driver’s licenses for those who will definitely leave late for everything
- Predict which tax filers will need the most extensions
- Identify children who will absolutely start their science fair projects the night before”
President Trump praised DOGE’s efforts for “finally getting these lazy scientists to finish their homework,” adding that “nobody knows procrastination better than me, believe me. I would have fired them all sooner, but I was busy with more important things, like pulling the wool over Republicans’ eyes, breaking laws, and basically creating chaos. It was beautiful. Best chaos ever. Everyone is saying so. Russia is very happy. Tremendous!”
In a statement that took six drafts and was delivered four hours behind schedule, NIH interim director Dr. Jonathan Laggard defended the delay: “Science takes time. Plus, we had a really good run of ‘Jeopardy!’ episodes in the 1980s that everyone wanted to watch first which led straight into planning retirement parties for the original researchers. Then we had to update all our computers for Y2K, and frankly, the office coffee machine was broken for most of 2005, which was a whole thing.”
When asked if the LATER-1 gene could explain DOGE’s own failure to produce its promised savings, now a month in, Musk’s robot abruptly powered down, leaving a note promising to return with an answer “definitely by Friday, or Saturday at the latest, or possibly next month when the planet Mercury is in retrograde.”
The NIH scientists concluded their presentation by announcing plans to study the procrastination gene’s applications in rocket science, climate change mitigation, and student loan repayment, with results expected “at a later date yet to be determined and assuming we don’t get distracted by a really good Netflix series in the meantime.”
Photo Credit: Bing Copilot
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