2/25/25 Washington, D.C. – In what analysts are calling “the most moisturizing fiscal policy of our time,” President Trump announced today a revolutionary new tax on lip balm products, determined to make the Food and Drug Administration financially solvent after the Department of Government Efficiency (DOGE) dramatically trimmed the agency’s workforce.

“We’re going to have the best FDA — the most profitable FDA — you’ve ever seen,” the President declared from the Rose Garden, repeatedly applying cherry-flavored ChapStick for emphasis. “Americans use billions of lip balms every year. Billions and billions. It’s tremendous. So we’re going to tax that. Bigly.”

The surprise announcement comes just days after DOGE, the administration’s new efficiency watchdog, terminated all probationary employees at the FDA, leaving the agency with what one insider described as “just enough staff to approve aspirin and occasionally check if milk is still milk.”

According to Elon Musk, DOGE advisor, “Government agencies should function like businesses, and businesses fire people all the time. It’s very efficient. You know like X. Held together all over the place with duct tape.”

The proposed “Lip Service Tax” would add a 25 cent surcharge to every tube, pot, or stick of lip balm sold in the United States. Industry experts estimate this could generate upwards of $500 million annually, assuming Americans continue their constitutional right to smooth lips.

Critics argue the tax unfairly targets the chronically chapped and those living in arid climates. Senator Desiccated Lips (D-Nevada) called the proposal “an assault on the cracked-lipped community. Unfair!”.

White House officials stressed that alternatives to commercial lip balms would remain tax-free, with one spokesperson suggesting Americans could “just lick their lips repeatedly” or “apply bacon grease like our forefathers did.”

FDA remaining staffers, now housed in what appears to be a repurposed janitor’s closet, declined to comment on the new revenue generating mandate, as they were busy trying to process the backlog of hand sanitizer applications with nothing but a Fisher-Price microscope and a Magic 8-Ball.

At press time, underground lip balm speakeasies were already forming across the nation, with password entry reportedly being: “My lips are sealed.”

BY BS

The Journalist BS