2/24/2025 Washington, D.C. – Chaos erupted across federal agencies over the weekend when an Elon Musk email demanded all employees list “5 bullet points of what you accomplished last week” or face “termination.” Responses are due by midnight tonight and caused perhaps the greatest collective regression to childhood in world history.

White House insiders report the email has produced over 2.3 million responses thus far ranging from passive-aggressive to outright juvenile.

SELECTED RESPONSES FROM FEDERAL EMPLOYEES:

From: Agent Johnson, FBI

• Made coffee (the good kind, not the stuff Agent Miller makes 🤮)
• Looked really busy when the director walked by
• Filed that thing in that place where we put things
• Didn’t start World War III (you’re welcome)
• Successfully avoided replying to THIS EMAIL until the very last minute

From: Dr. Warren, CDC

• Discovered cure for common cold but didn’t tell anybody because y’all are being meanies
• Ate lunch without spilling on my lab coat for five whole days
• Colored inside the lines on ALL my pathogen diagrams
• Named a new bacteria “Manager-Face McStupidHead”
• Didn’t lick a single test tube (personal best!)

From: Admiral Phillips, Navy

• Ship still floats ✓
• Found the Pacific Ocean (it’s big and wet)
• Learned to tie my shoes the MILITARY way
• Perfected my impression of Pete Hegseth when he’s mad
• Counted to infinity twice #DoTheMath

POLITICIANS RESPOND:

When reached for comment, Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer simply stated, “Talk to the hand ’cause the face ain’t listening.” before retreating into his office.

House Speaker Mike Johnson held an emergency press conference where he declared, “The Democrats started it,” and then proceeded to put his fingers in his ears chanting, “La-la-la-la-la” when reporters asked follow-up questions.

President Donald Trump addressed the nation briefly: “As your Commander-in-Chief, I want to assure Americans that I had to reply also. I wrote the best most beautiful bullet points. The most tremendous bullet points. Everyone is saying so.” When a reporter suggested the whole idea was silly, the President responded, “I know you are, but what am I?”

Vice President JD Vance attempted damage control stating, “This administration takes productivity very seriously,” turning to Trump angrily stating, “Why’d you send in your bullet points already? That’s not fair! You always get to go first!”

SOCIAL MEDIA MELTDOWN:

Federal employees have taken to social media with trending hashtags including:

• #BulletPointRevolution
• #YouCantFireMeIQuit
• #DearManagerMyMomSaysImSpecial
• #TooGrownUpForThis
• #NationalTimeoutDay

Department of Energy employee Sarah Williams’ X post has gone viral: “Just told the Secretary of Energy Chris Wright ‘whoever smelt it dealt it’ when he asked about nuclear waste. Now I’m getting COBRA healthcare. #WorthIt”

White House Chief of Staff Susie Wiles has reportedly barricaded herself in her office with a sign reading “NO MANAGERS ALLOWED IN MY FORT.”

As the workday drew to a close, government operations essentially grounded to a halt, with cabinet meetings devolving into games of “hot potato” with classified documents.

Pentagon sources confirm all nuclear launch codes have been temporarily changed to “infinity plus one” as a precautionary measure.

BY BS

The Journalist BS