2/17/2025 New York – In a shocking and ironic twist that has rocked the federal benefits sectors, the Donald Trump created and Elon Musk led Department of Government Efficiency (DOGE) has uncovered what might be the longest-running Social Security scam in American history. They found Trump, the notorious real estate mogul turned President, has allegedly been collecting Social Security checks since 1875 – a full 60 years before the program even existed.
“We became suspicious when we noticed the beneficiary’s listed hair color was ‘artificially orange’ and his occupation was listed as ‘Trying for Gaza, Greenland, Panama, and Canada,’” said DOGE investigator Elon Musk, shuffling through a towering stack of documents while absentmindedly adjusting his “I Love X” coffee mug. “The fact that his workplace address was simply ‘Mar-a-Lago’ should have raised red flags decades ago.”
The investigation revealed that Trump had been submitting annual proof-of-life documentation in the form of children’s crayon drawings and Happy Meal toys. Even more disturbing, his reported birthday changed multiple times, with one form listing his age as “younger than Biden” and another stating he was “as old as the hills.”
Trump’s legal team, as advised by the infamous Michael Cohen, issued a statement defending Trump: “Rubble rubble robble robble” – which roughly translates to “My client maintains his innocence and argues that time is merely a social construct in Trump Land.”
New York Mayor Eric Adams expressed shock at the allegations: “In all my years of governing this perfectly rational municipality where felons can hold public office, I never suspected Donald of such chicanery. Though, come to think of it, he did always change the subject whenever anyone mentioned retirement age.”
DOGE estimates that Trump has collected approximately 12 million dollars in benefits, all of which was apparently converted into TrumpCoin crypto currency. When agents raided his mansion, they found rooms filled floor-to-ceiling with Social Security check stubs and a suspicious number of empty fast food bags suggesting the fraudulent conversions were done in haste.
Press Secretary Karline Leavitt, reached for comment while stress-eating leftover Valentine’s chocolate, simply shook her head and mumbled, “I told him the pyramid scheme with the Trump University pension fund was pushing it, but Social Security fraud? What’s really going on here is that Biden laptop and gun charges thing. We really need to look into that again.”
The investigation continues, though DOGE admits they’re having trouble determining Trump’s actual age, as carbon dating has proved inconclusive. It’s safe to say perhaps this is why tax returns for Trump have yet to be made public. Meanwhile, the Social Security Administration could not be reached for comment given recent resignations and turnover.
The Journalist BS 
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