09/21/2024 Pumpkin Center, NC – In a bizarre statement that has left both political pundits and baristas scratching their heads, former President Donald Trump has declared that he single-handedly invented pumpkin spice, the flavor that takes the nation by storm each Fall.

At a rally in Pumpkin Center, North Carolina, Trump energized his supporters with the bold claim. “Folks, they don’t want you to know this, but I invented pumpkin spice. It’s true! I mixed those spices together with my own tiny hands back in the ’80s. Tremendous flavor. The best flavor.”

Trump went on to explain that this culinary breakthrough should be the cornerstone of his 2024 presidential campaign. “If I can make America taste this great, imagine what I can do in the White House… again!”

The former president then unveiled his new campaign slogan: “Make America Spice Again,” complete with orange MASA hats that some onlookers described as “uncomfortably gourd-like.” Here’s Trump modeling two prototypes for his campaign.

Trump’s claim has sent shockwaves through the hot beverage industry. Starbucks executives were reportedly seen panic-buying pumpkin futures, while small coffee shop owners across the nation began hastily rebranding their fall menus with names like “Totally Not Trump’s Spice Latte” and “Impeachment Pie Frappuccino.”

When pressed for evidence of his pumpkin spice creation, Trump responded, “I have the best proof. Beautiful proof. But I can’t show it to you because it’s being audited by the FDA. Fake Drink Association, folks. Believe me.”

Critics have been quick to point out that pumpkin spice has been around for decades, with documented use dating back to the 1930s. Trump dismissed these facts as “fake news” and accused the “lamestream media” of colluding with “Big Nutmeg” to undermine his spicy legacy.

As the controversy simmers, Trump has doubled down on his claim, promising that if elected, he’ll mandate pumpkin spice-flavored drinking water in all federal buildings and replace the Strategic Petroleum Reserve with a Strategic Pumpkin Spice Reserve.

Political analysts are divided on whether this bold strategy will help or hinder Trump’s campaign. One thing is certain: the 2024 election season is shaping up to be the spiciest one yet.

BY BS

The Journalist BS

Photo Credits: Craiyon AI