09/17/2024 Bern, Switzerland in – In a turn of events that has left the scientific community simultaneously amused and exasperated, local health food store owner and self-proclaimed “gut guru” Helvetia Schweizer announced what she believed to be a groundbreaking discovery: Ricola cough drops as a cure for E. coli infections.

Schweizer, 45, held a press conference outside her store, “Wholly Holistic,” where she proudly declared, “I’ve found the solution to the E. coli crisis! It’s been right under our noses this whole time – Ricola!”

Brandishing a bag of the popular Swiss herbal drops, Schweizer continued, “Think about it: Ricola, E. coli… they sound so similar. Additionally, they visually resemble each other. It can’t be a coincidence! I’ve been giving these to my customers with stomach issues, and they feel great after sucking on them for a while.”

The scientific community’s response was swift and bemused. Dr. Elsa Koli, a prominent microbiologist at the University of Zürich, struggled to maintain her composure during an emergency Zoom call with journalists.

“I… I don’t even know where to begin,” Dr. Koli said, removing her glasses to massage the bridge of her nose. “Ricola is a cough drop. E. coli is a bacterium. One is a lozenge you suck on for a sore throat, the other is a microorganism that lives in your intestines. They are not related in any way, shape, or form.”

When pressed about the similar-sounding names, Dr. Koli sighed deeply before responding, “Yes, they do sound alike. So do ‘cat’ and ‘catastrophe,’ but I wouldn’t recommend petting a natural disaster.”

Ricola’s marketing team, meanwhile, has been working overtime to distance themselves from the confusion. “We appreciate Ms. Schweizer’s enthusiasm,” said Ricola spokesperson Heidi Yodel, “but we must stress that our products are for sore throats and coughs, not for treating bacterial infections. Although, we must admit, our sales have oddly spiked in the last 24 hours.”

Local authorities have asked residents to please consult actual medical professionals for any E. coli concerns and to use Ricola only as directed – preferably while yodeling on a mountaintop.

As for Schweizer, she remains undeterred. “Next week, I’ll be revealing how Toblerone can cure salmonella. It’s all in the triangles, people!”

BY BS

The Journalist BS

Ecoli Photo Credit: Gemini Imagen

Ricola Photo Credit: Walmart Stock Photo