5/30/2024 New York, NY – Rambling outside the courthouse today, former president Donald Trump celebrated what he called a “tremendous achievement” – becoming the first former commander-in-chief in U.S. history to be convicted of felony crimes.
“Nobody thought it could be done, but once again I’ve made history in a very big way,” Trump boasted to reporters while standing in front of a makeshift presidential seal made from gold spray paint. “Many people, many very smart people, are saying this felony conviction is the most impactful and important of all time. Maybe ever!”
Trump went on to list other groundbreaking “firsts” he has accomplished over his business and political career:
- First president to bankrupt a casino
- First celebrity to launch a mail-order steak, bible, and shoe business
- First presidential candidate to mock a disabled reporter at a rally
- First native New Yorker disliked by both the Yankees and Mets
- First real estate mogul to try selling apartments inside an active volcano
- First politician to hire the unique legal team of Rudy Giuliani and Sidney Powell
- First president to have a crate of classified documents labeled “awesome scoops – no peeking!”
- First president trying to re-negotiate the entire US Constitution
- First McDonald’s customer to ever complain the food wasn’t greasy enough
- First person in human history escorted off the planet by NASA for “conduct unbecoming to any known life form”
When asked if he had any regrets over his mounting legal troubles, Trump scoffed, “Regrets are for losers and haters. Besides, getting convicted is so hot right now. Everyone’s doing it! Look, I’m not done, yet. I have 3 more felony convictions to go!”
The Journalist BS 
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