3/9/2024 Bakersfield, CA – Our orbit is becoming increasingly congested with space debris. This hazard includes defunct spacecraft, spent rocket boosters, and even seemingly insignificant objects like wrenches and gloves lost by astronauts. Millions of tiny pieces of debris, some as small as a fleck of paint, may seem inconsequential. However, space junk travels at speeds of 15,000 mph (24,140 kph) – ten times faster than a bullet. At such velocities, even a fleck of paint can inflict critical damage, puncturing a spacesuit or damaging a satellite.

Not to worry. Local resident James “Scoop” Williams announced his “foolproof” method for removing all the space junk currently orbiting Earth at a press conference in his backyard today.

“It came to me in a dream,” said Scoop. “We’ll just launch a giant space net and sweep up all that useless clutter floating around up there. Then we’ll tow the net back down to Earth and dump it all in the ocean. Problem solved!”

However, when reporters pointed out that dumping space debris in the ocean would essentially be littering on a massive scale, Scoop acknowledged the environmental issue.

“You’re absolutely right, bad idea. In that case, we’ll just dump it all in a really big landfill instead,” he suggested.

But when journalists further noted that landfill space is already limited on Earth, Scoop pondered for a moment before coming up with a new solution.

“I’ve got it, we can recycle the space junk!” he exclaimed. “We’ll build a huge recycling facility and melt down all the metal pieces, reuse the electronics, and repurpose everything we can from the debris.” According to Scoop, any parts that can’t be recycled could be “shot into the Sun or something.” He was vague on those details.

JournalistBS quizzed Scoop on how he plans on catching the debris traveling 15,000 mph without tearing the net.

‘”Look. I am just the idea guy!” Scoop declared with frustration. “This is gonna be huge,” Scoop insisted. “People will remember me as the recycling visionary who helped clean up Earth’s orbital neighborhood.”

Scoop remained confident his revolutionary space net and recycling concept will work flawlessly. NASA has not yet commented on Scoop’s idea or his proposed recycling solution. But he believes space agencies will adopt his strategy and praise him worldwide for his ingenious contribution to science and environmentalism.

Scoop closed the news conference revealing plans to launch a crowdfunding campaign soon to develop a prototype net and space junk sorting facility.

BY BS

The Journalist BS

Photo Credit: Microsoft AI