2/22/2024 Oshkosh, WI – John Chessman, better known by his online alias “Super Blogger”, embarked on what he called his “Dairy Challenge Diet” last week, vowing to eat nothing but cheese and dairy for all his meals for 7 straight days. He documented the experience on his popular blog “John’s Choice!”, assuming the challenge would be a breeze.

John’s Choice! – Blog Entry 2,568

In the name of journalism, I am embarking on what can only be described as a dairy-fueled journey this week: I plan to eat nothing but cheese or dairy-centric items for every meal. That’s right, cheese or dairy three times a day for seven straight days. No fruits, no veggies, no grains – just dairy in all its gloriously cholesterol-laden forms.

Day 1 was a breeze. Breakfast was a hefty slice of gouda with a glass of milk to wash it down. Lunch was a grilled cheese sandwich slathered in american. And for dinner, a heaping bowl of mac and cheese. My body rejoiced in the influx of calcium. So far, so gouda. My body feels fine and I’m ready to take on this dairy-heavy diet.

Day 2 is when the problems began. Let’s just say my digestive tract started to feel like a hunk of swiss after two days straight feasting on dairy delights. Things were…not smooth. I’m feeling sluggish and stopped up. My stomach gurgled menacingly throughout the day as I feasted on cheese plates, quesadillas, and cheesecake. I powered through and finished all my milk-based meals, but it’s clear my body is having trouble adjusting to all this cheese. Here’s hoping a good night’s rest will help get things moving again.

Day 3 consisted of gas. My stomach inflated like I was hiding a basketball under my shirt. I powered through with fried mozzarella sticks, fondue, and a cheese platter. My body begged for mercy as I forced down more dairy. Oh man, I regret this cheesy trial SO much right now. After three days of nonstop cheese consumption, my digestive system has completely seized up. I can barely shuffle to the bathroom for what little relief I can find. You don’t realize how much you need fruits, veggies and whole grains until they’re gone from your diet. But I’m no quitter – I will persevere through the cheese! I just hope I make it to day 7 in one piece.

Day 4 brought a new torturous symptom: constipation. Yet, somehow trapped gas exploded out of me continuously. My bathroom breaks now took hours but resulted in no “kiddies” dropped off in the pool. My stomach groaned like a dying walrus. But still, I persisted, choking down cubes of cheddar and mountains of nachos. I even tried some probiotic-rich cheese, for science. I have to admit things from the waist down are at a complete standstill thanks to my curdy cuisine. I don’t know how mice do it, subsisting on nothing but cheese every day! Although, I am not a quitter, I’m thinking of switching to oatmeal tomorrow as this should “move things along.”

Day 5 is the day I awoke feeling like a dairy devil was twisting my insides. I admitted defeat – I can’t eat all dairy anymore. Instead, I’m switching to three meals of plain oatmeal. Hopefully all that grainy goodness will get things moving again down below! The first bowl wasn’t too bad, though pretty bland. But I’m willing to eat cardboard at this point if it means digestive relief. Pray for me as I embark on this new oat-based eating plan!

Day 6 had some relief. Oh sweet, merciful oatmeal! After just one day of fiber-filled grains, I finally feel vaguely human again. My insides are still struggling to recover from all the dairy disaster, but relief is on the horizon. I was able to drop a few small hard knots of “number two”. At least I was able to use the bathroom without fearing for my life for the first time in days! Still a ways to go to full digestive health, but I think I’m going to make it now, thanks to the magic of oats.

Day 7…the final day of hell. My stomach sounded like a war zone, with faint cries for help emanating from my intestines. But I fought through the pain. The oatmeal mixed with the cheese had my stomach in knots. I called in sick to work to deal with my trauma. My boss didn’t believe me until I sent him a photo from the toilet. This is a new low for me. How can so much gas come from oatmeal? The gas from the cheese paled in comparison. I contemplated going to the ER as I think I was experiencing a massive colon cleanse. I was going to give the exact number of toilet trips in today’s entry, but I lost track. Thoughts of quitting hit me again, but as you know I am not a quitter. I powered through my last meal of oats adding blueberries and a dash of cinnamon for some flavor.

Was it worth it? No. My body is shattered. My digestive system will never forgive me. Don’t even get me started on the cheese sweats. I don’t know whether that was worse or the gas from the oatmeal. Now that my journey is over, it’s onto a regular diet for me. I’m sure my colon will thank me for it.

BY BS

The Journalist BS

Photo Credit: Microsoft Chat AI