2/19/2024 Washington, D.C. – In a controversial statement earlier today, President Joe Biden demanded that the stock market and banks be opened on President’s Day, despite the holiday tradition of being closed.

“This is outrageous – as President, I should be able to buy and sell stocks whenever I want, holidays be damned,” Biden fumed. “President’s Day is supposed to celebrate me and all the other presidents, so why can’t I celebrate by making some good stock trades?”

Biden went on to argue that being unable to trade stocks on a day specifically set aside for presidents defeated the whole purpose of running for the highest office in the first place.

“If I wanted to take a day off from playing the market, I would have just stayed a senator or something,” he grumbled. “But as the leader of the free world, I expect to be able to log in to my E*TRADE account and get busy buying low and selling high whenever the mood strikes me – even on so-called ‘holidays.’”

The president also implied that his inability to move bank money around on President’s Day cast doubts on just how much power the office really has.

“What’s next, the White House tells me I can’t launch the nuclear codes because it’s Sunday morning?” Biden asked incredulously. “Do they think I’m just some kind of figurehead who has to follow rules? I’m the damn President!”

At press time, banks and the New York Stock Exchange still appeared to be closed for President’s Day, much to Biden’s consternation. The White House had not yet commented on the president’s tirade.

BY BS

The Journalist BS

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