2/4/2024 Colorado Springs, CO – Area eccentric Hank Collier held a press conference today to reveal his theory that man’s best friend is actually an alien species sent to invade Earth.
“Just look at this yellow Lab!” Wilson exclaimed while pointing frantically at a picture of a happy, tail-wagging Labrador Retriever. “Its face is practically identical to the stereotypical alien face – the big oval head, the oval eyes. It can’t be a coincidence!”
Several local believers were quick to voice their support. “I always knew there was something weird about how much my Lab loves chasing frisbees,” said Ollie Williams. “Now it makes perfect sense. They are clearly transmitting signals back to the mother ship!”
Other supporters pointed to questionable evidence, like Labs only appearing in the past few decades. “It’s just too much of a coincidence that these aliens – I mean dogs – only started showing up around the same time as Roswell,” commented Dot Matrix.
“Oh it makes perfect sense,” says Chip Glopson, self-proclaimed expert in all things extraterrestrial. “Clearly when dogs only obey for treats, it shows they are leveraging an advanced interplanetary system of rewards and incentives we puny humans can’t comprehend.”
Fellow believer Barney Fido adds, “I always suspected when my beagle Daisy would tilt her head, her psychic alien powers were activating! She just stares right through you with those big satellite dish ears. I bet the mothership was feeding her instructions on dealing with inferior human intellects like mine.”
“And when dogs sniff each other’s rear ends, they must be scanning for signs of extraterrestrial travel,” asserts conspiracy theorist Dee Fly. “It’s the only logical explanation. No earth creature would ever shove their nose in such strange places unless they were investigating alien artifacts!”
Hank pointed to his own yellow Lab, Rex, as a great example. “He might lick my face to appear affectionate, but I see through his clever ruse! He’s strategically collecting my DNA to clone me for some sinister alien agenda. It’s why we call them ‘labs’, you know,” he stated. “It’s just so obvious when you think about it. How else could dogs so easily convince humans to voluntarily pick up their warm excrements without complaint? I’m on to you Rex!”
So, whether it’s begging for treats, head tilting, rear sniffing or face licking, these behavioral experts agree our four-legged friends aren’t what they appear to be. For them, the alien invasion is already here living amongst us in canine form.
“It’s okay. Rex is still my best friend, even though he is an alien,” concluded Hank.
Photo Credits: Microsoft Chat AI
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