1/13/2024 Houston – In a shocking announcement today, NASA revealed that for the first time ever, they are formally planning to bring astronauts home alive.

“We know this is a really bold and risky move on our part,” said NASA administrator Charles Frank at a press conference. “But we feel the time is right to finally give this ‘bringing astronauts home alive’ thing a good review.”

Frank explained that on previous missions, NASA’s standard operating procedure has been to simply accomplish their mission which didn’t necessarily include astronauts safely returning. But the agency is looking to shake things up.

“We know this seems like a pretty obvious goal. But, it represents a major shift in how we’ve typically done business,” Frank said. “Up until now, our philosophy has been ‘launch them up there, and whatever happens, happens,’ without much of a plan for getting them back. But we’re going to flip the script on the next launch and actually put some effort into retrieving the astronauts after completing the mission.”

Frank acknowledged that for decades, NASA and other space agencies have generally launched missions without worrying too much about the details of return trips. “In the past, we’ve focused so much on the excitement of blasting people into space that the whole return part kind of slipped our minds,” he said. “But we’ve realized the value in planning the return and how it would probably be good PR for NASA if they made it home in one piece as opposed to being comfortable with our astronauts drifting off into the terrifying black void forever.”

The plan will require extra steps that many at NASA find novel, even controversial, like budgeting fuel for the return journey, maintaining communications with the capsule after it leaves Earth orbit, and developing splashdown protocols so recovery teams can retrieve the surviving crew.

According to Frank, successfully bringing the astronauts home alive would set an important precedent for future missions. But he emphasizes it’s still just an experiment.

“Frankly, we have no idea if we can pull this off,” he said. “There’s a very real chance this planning is just a huge waste of time and taxpayer expense.”

NASA’s next manned mission is Artemis II scheduled for September of 2025. The Artemis program’s plan is to establish a human base on the moon as a launching pad for future manned missions to Mars.

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