12/23/2023 The North Pole – With only a couple of days until Christmas, several advocacy groups gathered today at a press conference to condemn Santa Claus’ longtime practice of giving coal to naughty children as “blatant discrimination.” They argue that a child’s moral character should not determine whether or not they receive gifts on Christmas morning.

“Santa’s archaic naughty and nice system unfairly punishes underprivileged youth who act out due to their difficult circumstances,” said the director of a child welfare non-profit. “All children, regardless of their behavior, deserve to feel the holiday spirit.”

Environmental groups also voiced criticism, citing the large carbon footprint created by mining coal solely for the purpose of sticking it in the stockings of misbehaving children.

“Santa claims to care about the planet, yet he insists on using dirty fossil fuels to teach kids a lesson,” said a spokesperson from a climate activism organization. “There are so many more eco-friendly options, like locally-sourced rocks, bundles of sticks, or sheets of recycled scrap metal.”

Experts put forth additional alternative stocking stuffer ideas including cruelty-free almond clusters, handfuls of organic kale, reusable cloth masks, pages torn from unread books, and strongly-worded notes asking kids to reflect on their poor choices.

“Santa needs to get with the times and find more positive, constructive ways to guide children down the right path,” said one outspoken parent. “And he better stop trafficking in coal – we’re living in the 21st century now.”

At press time, Mr. Claus was not available for comment, with Mrs. Claus insisting he was “far too busy” getting ready for his Christmas Eve voyage to respond to the allegations.

BY BS

The Journalist BS

Photo Credit: Microsoft Chat AI