12/9/2023 Santa Fe, NM – Carl Bunker, the infamous tree stalker arrested last week in Paducah, KY, is under investigation for wildlife harassment in New Mexico as well it seems. Authorities revealed they now believe Bunker, who used the alias Carl Barker in New Mexico, was involved in a chilling case of bear tormenting.

Earlier this summer, a bear was spotted swatting and licking the hummingbird feeder on the front deck of Barker’s former Santa Fe property. According to reports, Barker tapped aggressively on a window to startle the bear. The unnatural noise caused the bear to panic. While running towards the woods, it looked over its shoulder in fear involuntarily defecating a trail of pungent poop only a bear’s mother could love.

“Oh man, it reminded me of that time I got tricked into touring the stink bait factory,” Officer Wheezy of the Santa Fe Police Department recalled with watery eyes. “Then when the wind shifted, I swear that awful stench was more like a skunk marinating in blue cheese and sewer water.”

This brazen bear bullying has raised alarms, now, as recent research shows bears naturally excrete in more reclusive underground tunnels. The presence of exposed fecal matter on Barker’s property suggests deliberate harassment.

Police note the use of similar names and an evident obsession with woodland creatures and forestation as telltale signs linking the two cases involving Carl Bunker/Barker. For example, there was also an unusual amount of car accidents involving deer along the road aligned with Barker’s former property in New Mexico. It seems Barker’s side gig into deer venison this past summer may not be a coincidence.

“I knew something fishy was up when Barker started hauling in deer after deer this past summer,” said Jenny Packwidow, a lifelong Santa Fe resident. “He’d drag them carcasses through town, bragging about his ‘luck’ of accidents along that stretch of road. He peddled the meat on the cheap to all the restaurants.”

Questions remain as to whether Barker bullied the deer into desperate suicide or was it a case of premeditated murder? Officials now aim to uncover the full extent of his perverse fixation with trees, animals, and their bodily functions.

“We worry this tree addiction in Kentucky is just Barker, er, Bunker’s problems spiraling out of control,” said Officer Wheezy. “Anyone this interested bullying wildlife and the tantalizing decay of arboreal beauty cannot be up to any good.”

So far investigators have uncovered hunting licenses obtained under three suspected aliases – Carl Bunker in Kentucky, Carl Barker in New Mexico, and just recently discovered Carl Buckner in Idaho.

Law enforcement asks anyone who spots a lanky nature photographer wandering forest trails from Paducah to Boise to contact authorities immediately. He’s armed with a Canon DSLR camera and considered dangerous.

Stay safe this season, refuse his requests for “artistic” poses, and do not let Carl Bunker further scar our natural landscapes and wildlife. Nature has suffered enough at the hands of this monster. Justice must soon prevail!

BY BS

The Journalist BS

Photo Credit: Microsoft Chat AI