11/22/2023 Portal, ND – While many are familiar with challenges at the Southern US border, there has been trouble brewing on the Northern Border for some time: Super Pigs. Canadian ‘super pigs’ are a cross breed of the wild Eurasian boar and domestic pig resulting in a swine unmatched in survival skills and fertility. Uncontained, the feral swine have been roaming free in Alberta, Saskatchewan, and Manitoba since their wild boar farming collapsed in the early 2000’s.

Today, the US Border Patrol announced a shocking discovery that these ‘super pigs’ are invading from Canada into the northern parts of Montana, North Dakota, and Minnesota. They are not only destructive to our environment, but also criminal. The agency says that it has evidence that some of the ‘super pigs’ are working as mules for drug cartels and terrorist groups, and that they are carrying illegal substances and firearms across the border.

“We have intercepted several ‘super pigs’ that were carrying large quantities of cocaine, heroin, meth, and fentanyl, as well as AK-47s, grenades, and explosives,” said a Border Patrol spokesperson. “These ‘super pigs’ are not only a threat to our agriculture and environment, but also to our national security and public health. They are part of a sophisticated network of smugglers and traffickers that are exploiting our porous border with Canada.”

The spokesperson also claimed that the ‘super pigs’ are trained and controlled by human handlers, who use GPS trackers, radio collars, and ear tags to communicate with them. He said that the ‘super pigs’ are able to evade detection by using their keen sense of smell, hearing, and vision, as well as their ability to swim, dig, and run.

“These ‘super pigs’ are not dumb animals. They are smart and cunning. They know how to avoid our patrols, cameras, and sensors. They can cross rivers, lakes, and streams. They can burrow under fences and walls. They can sprint at speeds of up to 30 miles per hour. They are the perfect smugglers,” he said.

The Border Patrol’s allegations have been met with skepticism and ridicule by some local residents, who say that the agency is exaggerating and fabricating the ‘super pig’ problem to justify its budget and agenda.

“This is absurd and outrageous. I don’t believe that ‘super pigs’ are smuggling drugs and weapons. That’s hogwash,” said Portal resident Susan Jones. “Besides, I think they are confusing pigs with mules. Hello, Border Patrol! Those are distinctly two separate animals.”

Local pig farmer Jeb Mosely lamented, “I’m worried about my livelihood and not those supposed narcotics and firearms. These ‘super pigs’ are taking over. Next thing you know, we’ll have ‘super pig bacon’ and our holiday hams will be exotic wild boar hams. They need to do something about this ‘super pig’ invasion, and fast.”

Entering into holiday season, US officials urged families traveling in those states to be on the lookout for super pigs. They are armed, dangerous, and travel in herds. Avoid them at all costs.