11/6/2023 Washington D.C. – In a shocking admission today, the U.S. government revealed that it has secretly budgeted for solid gold toilets and other lavish washroom amenities for years. The announcement comes on the heels of four men being charged in the theft of an 18-karat gold toilet worth $6 million from Winston Churchill’s birthplace.

“Oh, cry me a river, England,” a White House spokesperson said. “That $6 million toilet is pennies compared to what we’ve allocated for gilded thrones. Hiding exorbitant projects in the federal budget is an art unto itself. So, it’s fitting to call such wasteful spending ‘America’.”

The spokesperson pointed to line items labeled “legislative replumbing” and “oval office renovations,” where funds had been set aside for gold toilets, bathtubs and other opulent features unrelated to governing or public service. JournalistBS was able to obtain a photo of a Congressional stall fully equipped with a golden throne and bidet.

“It’s a bold new take on political performance art we’re calling ‘Fat Cats on Golden Thrones’ that has bipartisan support,” the spokesperson added. “It’s the one thing Republicans and Democrats agree on – it really brings new meaning to the term ‘party dumpers’.”

An anonymous staffer joked, “I heard Senator McConnell insists on using only the left flank of the golden toilet. Not sure if it’s some feng shui thing or what!”

Another aide quipped, “Yeah, Senator Schumer is quite fond of the right side. He says it helps him stay ‘regular’ with his constituents.”

Critics accused Congress of gross negligence and corruption by prioritizing gilded toilets over pressing issues. But proponents argue it encourages politicians to stick around.

“No price is too high for such valuable public servants to ‘shit’ comfortably,” noted newly appointed Speaker Mike Johnson. “Er, sit comfortably,” he corrected.

“Totally agree,” stated Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez. “It’s the one thing we actually treat with respect. Don’t take that away from us!”

BY BS

The Journalist BS

Photo Credits: Microsoft Chat AI