9/29/2023 Pyongyang, North Korea – Private Travis King, the U.S. soldier that recently defected to North Korea, was unceremoniously expelled from the hermit kingdom, all because he dared to mock the cabbage dish known as kimchi. A simple jest about kimchi sent him packing back to the land of hamburgers and Hollywood.

For those who’ve been living under a culinary rock, kimchi is Korean peninsula’s pride and joy, a spicy, fermented delicacy made primarily from Napa cabbage, and seasoned with a blend of garlic, ginger, and red pepper flakes. It’s essentially the Hulk of the vegetable world, packed with flavor and a kick that could send even the bravest taste buds into overdrive.

While it’s perfectly acceptable to not eat kimchi in the Koreas (Nobody’s forcing you to be a kimchi connoisseur) you’d better not dare to make fun of it in the Northern iteration. King, who naively thought he would be welcomed with open arms in North Korea, quickly learned the hard way that joking about kimchi is an unforgivable offense.

The infamous incident occurred during a seemingly uneventful dinner at the North Korean prison mess hall. Travis shared his unsolicited culinary critique with his fellow prisoners. As he picked at his plate of kimchi, he theatrically exclaimed, “Kimchi? More like ‘Kimcheesy’! This stuff tastes like spicy cabbage soaked in dirty sock juice!”

King’s fellow prisoners gasped audibly at the insult. When the guards quizzed King about his comments, he stated, “It’s not like Supreme Leader ‘Kimchi Un’ heard me,” now making a pun out of Supreme Leader Kim Jong-un’s name.

Within hours, news of the kimchi smear and name pun reached the desk of Supreme Leader Kim Jong-un who reportedly smashed his favorite kimchi jar in a fit of rage. And, then he proceeded to eat three whole plates of kimchi to calm himself. Jong-un briefly considered execution for King, but then a more devilish idea emerged – send Travis King back to the United States, the so-called “most evil country in the world.”

After a quick show trial, King was declared “an enemy of the Korean people and their most beloved kimchi.” He, along with a jar of kimchi to serve as a reminder of the gastronomical gaffe that got him kicked out of North Korea, were stuffed into a crate labeled “American Swine” and expelled to Dandong, China where US officials awaited at their border with North Korea at Friendship Bridge.

As Brigadier General Patrick Teague and US Ambassador to China Nicholas Burns welcomed a newly returned Travis King, the puzzled soldier lamented, “I guess they don’t appreciate culinary humor in North Korea. I really did enjoy the food there, especially the Korean barbecue. It’s why I defected from the US in the first place. I can’t stand hot dogs, burgers and apple pie.”

Teague was completely flabbergasted when he heard Travis King express his disdain for classic American foods such as hot dogs, hamburgers, and apple pie.

Teague’s jaw dropped open in shock, his eyes widening with disbelief. “You…don’t like hot dogs, burgers, or apple pie??” he sputtered. “Those are the most patriotic foods we’ve got! What kind of American are you??”

Shaking his head in bewilderment, Teague pressed further. “Let me get this straight – you defected to NORTH KOREA because you don’t like ballpark franks and Mom’s homemade apple pie?? Just how much kimchi did they force feed you over there?”

The General paced back and forth, struggling to make sense of it all. “Son, I think you’ve lost your way. As soon as we get stateside, I’m taking you straight to the Iowa State Fair. We’ll start with a good old fashioned corn dog, then move up to a classic cheeseburger and fries. And don’t even get me started on the apple pie…”

While it remains to be seen whether King will face court martial for his unauthorized defection, one thing is clear – his culinary critiques represent the gravest transgressions from his bizarre odyssey.

Back in North Korea, fervent kimchi lovers continue exalting the sacred pickled dish, constructing monuments and museums in its honor. Supreme Leader Kim’s mandates ensure kimchi remains an indispensable part of every meal. For the people of the hermit kingdom, Travis King’s brief stay only strengthened their zealous reverence for kimchi as a national treasure. They’ve learned an important lesson – never underestimate the power of a pickled vegetable, especially one so deeply ingrained in a country’s cultural pride.

By Akiva

The Journalist BS

Photo Credit: Microsoft Chat AI