9/24/2023 Berkley, CA – In a desperate bid to prove that life and consciousness exist in plant form, leading botanists at the University of California, Berkeley announced a new initiative last week to teach calculus to household plants.

The “Plan(T)s Who Can Do Math” program aims to demonstrate intelligent awareness in the plant kingdom by actively training potted ferns, ivies, and African violets to solve college level calculus problems.

“For years we’ve suspected plants possess a latent intelligence, and now we’ll be able to prove it scientifically by walking them through differential equations, integration, and multi-variable functions,” said Dr. Susan Wong, head of the botany department and leader of the program.

Wong’s team has set up a high-tech “classroom” with hundreds of plants, overhead projection screens displaying calculus problems, and speakers that verbally guide the plants through each problem step by step.

The botanists actively “work the problems” with the plants, explaining the rules of calculus while manipulating the plants’ branches and leaves as if they are writing out solutions.

“We’ve seen promising results so far. The snake plants are definitely starting to solve for ‘x’,” said Wong. “I just know these begonias would have aced calculus by now if we’d provided a more nurturing learning environment.”

Critics suggest teaching calculus to plants is unlikely to yield evidence of intelligence. But Wong is undeterred, having already submitted a grant proposal for an additional $5 million to expand efforts to teach multivariable calculus, discrete math, linear algebra and differential equations to plants of increasing complexity such as Venus flytraps and mimosas.

“We envision a future where giant redwoods and sequoias are doing advanced computational research at leading universities,” Wong said enthusiastically. “For now we’re taking it step-by-step, but once these plants get algebra down cold, we’ll really be cooking!”

BY BS

The Journalist BS

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