8/16/2023 Washington, D.C. – In an unprecedented move earlier today, Federal Reserve Chairman Jerome Powell promised to provide billions in subsidies to struggling construction companies, securing the pledge with a dramatic pinky swear on the steps of the Eccles Building.

“On behalf of the Federal Reserve, I hereby pinky swear – no crosses count – that we will do whatever it takes to bail out our friends in the construction business,” remarked Powell to a crowd of cheering construction executives. “We will shower you with subsidies, grants, and zero-interest loans until demand for your luxury condos and office towers picks back up.”

Powell noted that while higher interest rates have cooled the real estate market, causing many planned projects to be delayed or canceled, the Fed is willing to print as much money as needed to keep developers happy and profitable.

“Don’t you worry – we’ve got your back,” Powell continued as he made exaggerated pinky swear gestures. “Money printer go brrr!”

Executives from several top construction firms expressed relief and gratitude for the promised support.

“This pinky swear commitment sets my mind at ease,” said John Smith, CEO of ABC Construction. “With the Fed subsidizing our financing, we can continue building lavish properties that sit empty instead of doing something economically productive.”

“Things were looking dicey there for a minute, but this changes everything,” agreed Jane Stroop, CFO of XYZ Developers. “We might have had to – gasp – lower prices or rethink some unprofitable projects if not for this subsidy lifeline. It really takes the pressure off.”

Critics argue the promised subsidies amount to a misuse of monetary policy that could worsen economic imbalances. But construction industry reps say not to worry: “The Fed chairman pinky swore, and everyone knows that’s a binding promise carved in stone. Would he really just go on the internet and make empty promises?”

BY BS

The Journalist BS