8/12/2023 Washington, D.C. – An exasperated President Biden held an emergency meeting with his cabinet today after what he called a “comedy of errors” regarding his request to “make updates” to the student debt repayment program.

“Last week I clearly asked my team to come up with a timeline for changes to the SAVE program,” said a bemused Biden. “Instead, they come back to me with a schedule full of nonsense dates like ‘Smarch 35th’ and ‘Febluary 29nd.’ I mean, come on Jack, get it together!”

Sources say Secretary of Education Miguel Cardona presented the president with a detailed brief outlining new income-driven repayment options starting on dates such as “Junday,” “Decembuary,” and “Smaytalyfth.” Treasury Secretary Janet Yellen also chimed in with recommendations tied to fantasy dates.

“I have no idea what Janet was going on about with ‘recalculating payments as of Pretenduary 99th’ and ‘new online portals launching Thnuary Fninth,’” said an exasperated Biden. “This isn’t a game, people!”

The cabinet members responsible claimed they simply misunderstood the president’s instructions. “We definitely know those aren’t real dates,” an aide commented. “We were just trying to be creative and ‘make up dates’ as instructed.”

Unamused, Biden ended the meeting urging his team to take the issue more seriously. “Let’s be crystal clear – I need real timelines with actual dates,” said Biden. “You know, like August 25th, 2023 and stuff like that.”

The president is now awaiting a revised plan with milestones tied to factual calendar dates.

BY BS

The Journalist BS

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