8/9/2023 WASHINGTON – President Biden has been intensely training to become an aquanaut in preparation for a classified deep sea expedition searching for signs of alien life. Sources say Biden’s upcoming submarine mission was inspired by the recent UAP House Subcommittee investigation and the president’s eagerness to make first contact with extraterrestrials.

“Biden has been fitted for a high-tech diving suit and is doing practice spacewalks in a giant water tank,” said an anonymous White House official. “He’s spent hours studying deep-sea creatures in hopes of recognizing alien life forms.”

Unfortunately, Biden’s efforts to obtain inside intel on UAP crash sites and materials have been hindered by unresponsive emails from prominent UAP researcher David Grusch. Biden has urgently emailed Grusch seeking private discussions about recovered alien remains and spacecraft debris.

However, Grusch’s auto-reply emails claim, “I am currently traveling interplanetary and will respond upon my return to Earth.” This has left Biden feeling frustrated as he trains for this mission.

“I need all the information I can get before they send me down there,” Biden complained to staffers. “What if I encounter a real live alien but don’t realize it because this UFO expert won’t brief me? This is a grave matter of national security, not some kind of joke. I need answers from this fellow now, not when he’s done gallivanting across the galaxy.”

One specific email from Grusch went beyond the standard auto-reply indicating Grusch may be ghosting Biden, “No need to fret – I’ll be back from Alpha Centauri by August 15th.”

“He better be,” Biden grumbled in response. “I’m not just some chump with time to waste.”

Nonetheless, Biden has continued his intense aquanaut training undaunted spending hours in underwater simulations and mastering the use of suction samplers to collect potential alien microorganisms. Scientists say his submersible voyage to the darkest depths of the ocean could yield groundbreaking discoveries.

“If there are aliens in our oceans, Biden is our best bet for making first contact,” said a marine biologist. She added, “He won’t come back until he gets a selfie with an adorable little ET.”

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The Journalist BS

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