8/4/2023 San Francisco – Wells Fargo customers were shocked this week to find their direct deposits had vanished yet again, marking the second time this year funds have mysteriously disappeared from accounts. The bank blamed careless patrons for failing to understand basic principles of sedimentary geology.

“We don’t know how else to say this: money deposited in wells is inherently difficult to retrieve,” said Wells Fargo spokesperson Barry D. Ground. “When our customers stubbornly ignore this fact, we can’t be held liable for their own foolishness.”

The first round of disappearing funds occurred in March, when a computer glitch caused paychecks, tax returns, and other deposits to temporarily blink out of existence. Now a new wave of customers has reported logging on to find their balances are zero.

“I went from a 5-figure deposit to nothing overnight,” said Wells Fargo patron Paige Turner. “It’s like my money fell into a black hole or something.”

In response to the latest debacle, Wells Fargo CEO Charlie Scharf released a patronizing video explaining Finance 101.

“Let’s imagine you drop a penny down a well,” Scharf slowly explained while pointing to a cartoon well. “Now think really hard: how might you get that penny back?”

After a pause, Scharf shook his head. “You can’t! Just like our dimwitted customers can’t seem to grasp that concept. When you stash cash in a bank called Wells Fargo, don’t be surprised when it vanishes forever into a deep, dark void.”

While some appreciated the remedial lesson, most customers remain livid at the bank’s flippant response. Wells Fargo did announce plans to change its name to “Banky Bank” to avoid future confusion over people’s savings disappearing into literal wells.

BY BS

The Journalist BS

Photo Credits: Craiyon AI