8/1/2023 Washington, D.C. – In a bold move to tackle the nation’s massive debt, President Biden has purchased lottery tickets for tonight’s $1.05 billion Mega Millions jackpot drawing.
Speaking to reporters, Biden explained that winning the jackpot could put a good dent in the over $32 trillion national debt. “I figured hey, you never know until you try,” said the President. “So I stopped by the corner store and picked up a few tickets while out on my walk this morning.”
What started as a few tickets quickly snowballed into an office pool with White House staff, all pitching in with the hopes of winning big and making a difference for the country. In total, the White House spent over $10,000 on tickets for the drawing.
“We bought tickets under Matt’s name, Jen’s name, Kamala’s name – you gotta spread it out to maximize your odds,” Biden said.
In addition to the office pool, the President purchased a stack of personal tickets that he is keeping in his suit jacket pocket. “I snuck out at lunch to grab a few more because you really can’t have too many chances at over a billion dollars.”
While the odds of winning are infinitesimally small, Biden remains optimistic. “If one of our tickets hits, it’ll be a big poop scoop right out of our national debt. It probably won’t eliminate all of it, but every little bit counts.”
Already making plans for the potential windfall, the White House has put together a delegation headed by the Treasury Secretary to handle the logistics. “We’ve got it all figured out,” said Press Secretary Karine Jean-Pierre. “If we win, we’ll do some debt repayment, maybe a little infrastructure spending, and cap it off with a sweet party on the White House lawn.”
With the drawing just hours away, Biden and staff anxiously await the results. “Fingers crossed!” said the President. “It’s a real long shot, but can you imagine?”
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