7/29/2023 Lancaster, PA – Eccentric billionaire Elon Musk announced today his goal to acquire national pretzel chain Auntie Anne’s Pretzels for $3.5 billion. Musk stated he’s already invested $2.25 billion with Focus Brands and now enjoys majority ownership in the famous pretzel company.

“I’m just really into the letter X and pretzels. I noticed Auntie Anne’s pretzels are folded in more of a Y knot shape, which I cannot abide,” explained Musk at a press conference this morning. “From now on, all pretzels produced by Auntie Anne’s will be crisscrossed into an X shape before baking to align with my personal preference.”

Musk demanded immediate changes, flying to Auntie Anne’s headquarters in Lancaster yesterday to oversee pretzel formation firsthand. Reports indicate mass frustration and confusion among Auntie Anne’s employees who have folded their pretzels in the signature knot shape for over 30 years.

“It’s total madness trying to get these dough ropes to hold an X shape,” lamented head baker Joey Dougherty. “The pretzels keep unraveling and unfolding. We’ve wasted more dough in the last 2 days than we have in 3 decades.”

But Musk remains adamant, stating “X is clearly the superior letter and it’s nonsensical these pretzels don’t celebrate that. I don’t care how much dough is ruined, I want X’s!” The eccentric tech mogul has stationed himself on the factory floor, periodically halting production to lecture employees on the merits of X while drawing diagrams of his ideal pretzel shape on whiteboards.

Analysts speculate that Musk hopes Auntie Anne’s duplicates his success promoting the X brand through its distinct X-shaped pretzel similar to Tesla X, Xtwitter (or X), and SpaceX ventures. Auntie Anne’s has not released official comments on the takeover nor whether Auntie Anne’s will go through rebranding.

BY BS

The Journalist BS