7/22/2023 Phoenix – As temperatures continue to soar to dangerous levels across the Southwest, Phoenix resident Samantha Jones claims she’s found the secret to beating the heat: drought-resistant soybeans.

“I’ve been eating these super soybeans for weeks now and I feel great, even when it’s 120 degrees out!” said Jones. “I can just lounge by the pool all day while everyone else is suffering. It’s like the genetically engineered drought resistance is now a part of me. Maybe it makes me impervious to heat stroke?!?”

Jones claims the “#SoSoySoChill” lifestyle has let her withstand the most brutal summer weather with ease. “I’m so hydrated and cool as a cucumber, thanks to my soy-filled diet! Why doesn’t everyone just eat more drought-resistant vegetables?” she asked.

However, Jones admitted the soybean-heavy diet has had some unpleasant gastrointestinal side effects. “I have been pooping my brains out from all the soy fiber, and it’s really loose and messy. But it’s worth it to stay cool!” she said.

Her husband Brad was less amused by her frequent bowel movements. “I’m tired of her hogging the toilet all day,” he lamented. “She’s been dropping toxic soybombs every 20 minutes. I have to Lysol the bathroom constantly to kill the stench.”

Despite the constant soiling, Jones remains committed to her soybean regimen. “Brad just doesn’t understand the sacrifice required for me to thrive in this heatwave,” she said. “He needs to suck it up, because I’ll be pooping like a champion all summer long!”

Many on social media, however, were skeptical of Jones’ claims that soybeans could prevent heat exhaustion.

“This woman really thinks she can eat her way out of a record-breaking heatwave? #SoDumb,” tweeted Mike Davis.

“Nothing like a viral soybean marketing campaign during an unprecedented climate catastrophe #SoToneDeaf,” wrote Sarah Klein. “Especially when it gives you the runs!”

“Next she’ll say Gatorade created a special formula to reverse climate change #SoRidiculous,” quipped Alex Rodriguez. “And cures diarrhea!”

Jones remains unfazed by the criticism, confident in the power of her soybean-heavy diet. “All you haters will be begging me for my magical heat-proof beans when you’re melting out there!” she said. “But thanks to drought-resistant soybeans, I’ll be as cool as a cucumber even when it’s 130 degrees, no matter how much I’m pooping!”

BY BS

The Journalist BS