7/4/2023 Coney Island – Joey Chestnut, the reigning champion of the Nathan’s Famous International Hot Dog Eating Contest, was shocked to discover that this year’s competition will feature vegan hot dogs instead of the traditional beef franks. Chestnut, who has won 15 of the last 16 contests, said he was not informed of the change until yesterday, the day before the contest.

“I feel betrayed by Nathan’s,” Chestnut said. “They have always been loyal to me and to the fans who love to see me devour their delicious hot dogs. But now they have switched to these vegan impostors that taste like cardboard and have no flavor.”

Chestnut said he tried to practice with the vegan hot dogs yesterday, but he could not stomach them. He regurgitated on the first one he ate, and then tried various methods to make them more palatable, such as smothering them with mustard, ketchup, relish, and onions, and washing them down with more water and soda. But nothing worked, and he ended up getting more penalties for “messy eating” than he ever did with the beef hot dogs.

“It’s impossible to eat these things,” Chestnut said. “They are dry, bland, and have a weird texture. They are not even hot dogs. They are an insult to the sport of competitive eating. This year’s contest is rigged.”

Meanwhile, his competitors seemed unfazed by the switch to vegan hot dogs. Some of them said they had been aware of the change for weeks and had been practicing with them accordingly.

“I think it’s a great move by Nathan’s,” said Matt Stonie, who beat Chestnut in 2015 and is his closest rival. “They are showing that they care about the environment, animal welfare, and health. And they are also making the contest more challenging and fair. Anyone can eat beef hot dogs, but it takes skill and courage to eat vegan hot dogs.”

The annual contest will be held on Coney Island at Nathan’s Famous restaurant today. The women’s eat off will start at 11:00 a.m. while the men’s kicks off at 12:30 p.m. ESPN will air the contest beginning at 10:45 a.m. for those interested in watching the nauseating gorge fest.

BY BS

The Journalist BS