6/25/2023 Salinas, CA – In a desperate attempt to understand the recent spate of Orca whale attacks on boats, Save The Whales held a press conference today announcing they enlisted the help of Ellen DeGeneres, claiming she can speak whale. DeGeneres, who famously voiced the character of Dory in the animated movies Finding Nemo and Finding Dory, says she learned the language of the whales from a self-help tape she found in a dumpster.

“The tape was titled ‘Learn to speak whale in a jiff. Or a blowhole. Whichever comes first.’” DeGeneres stated. “It claimed it could teach me to speak whale fluently within 90 days. So, I dove right into the chance to learn it. It’s a big reason I got the Dory role in Finding Nemo,” DeGeneres continued.

DeGeneres agreed to translate the recordings of the Orca whale sounds that were captured by underwater microphones during the attacks. The whales have a sophisticated system of communication that involves clicks, whistles, and pulsed calls. She says that she has been listening to the recordings and has deciphered the messages. According to DeGeneres, the Orca whales are not happy with the human interference in their habitats and have been expressing their displeasure through their rudder-biting antics and boat attacks.

“I was shocked by what I heard,” DeGeneres said in the press conference. “They are very angry and frustrated and they want us to leave them alone. They are tired of being hunted, polluted, and ignored by humans. They want revenge.”

“Just before the attack they were discussing the situation between themselves, ‘Hey, look at that boat. Let’s go mess with it’,” DeGeneres stated. “Their frustrations would just come out as they attacked the boats saying things like, ‘Oops, did I bump into you? Sorry, I didn’t see you there. You’re so small and insignificant.’ I even heard a couple of them say, ‘This is for all the fish you stole from us.’ It doesn’t appear like these attacks will go away anytime soon,” DeGeneres continued. “As they swam away, I could hear them snickering and muttering congratulatory comments to each other.”

Save The Whales said it was grateful for DeGeneres’ help, but they are not sure what to do with the information. “We are concerned about the welfare of both the whales and humans,” said Save The Whales President and Co-Founder Maris Sidenstecker I. “We hope that by understanding what the whales are saying, we can find a way to coexist peacefully and prevent further attacks.”

“Perhaps the next steps are bringing Ellen to the Orca whales so real time communications can exist. Do you think that’s possible?” Maris asked, turning towards Ellen.

Ellen responded, “Wait, what’s going on? I can’t remember…can’t remember (muttering to herself). Hey, did you guys know I can speak whale?”

Save The Whales hopes to travel off the coast of Spain next month to have face-to-face conversations with the Orca whales near Gibraltar. The results will determine whether our two species can live together, or we’ll remain at an impasse. Let’s hope for positive results at what social media influencers are already dubbing the “Orca-nized Crime Summit”.

BY BS

The Journalist BS