6/23/2023 Berkley, CA – In a shocking announcement, Upside Foods, the company that recently received FDA approval to sell its cultivated chicken grown in a lab, revealed today it has created a new division called Revive-A-Cell, where it plans to use its cell-cultivation technology to grow human cells. The company’s first project: Restore a body for Ted Williams, the legendary baseball player who died in 2002 and whose head is cryogenically preserved without a body…that is until now.

Upside Foods claims that by using a sample of Williams’ DNA and a scaffold of synthetic tissue, it can create a replica of his body that would be indistinguishable from the original. The company also says that it will use an experimental reverse aging process, currently tested on mice, to rejuvenate Williams’ brain cells and make him young enough to play baseball again by the 2024 season opening.

“We are thrilled to announce this groundbreaking project that will not only revolutionize the food industry, but also the field of regenerative medicine,” said Uma Valeti, the CEO of Upside Foods. “We believe that Ted Williams deserves a second chance at life and baseball. Won’t it be a great boost for baseball and sports fans around the world? Imagine seeing Ted Williams back on the field, hitting home runs and breaking records. It will be a historic moment for humanity and for baseball. We are honored to be part of his enduring legacy and building on that.”

The news has sparked controversy and excitement among baseball fans, especially those of the Boston Red Sox, the team that Williams played for his entire career. The Red Sox have already claimed rights to the first contract with Williams, arguing that he is still bound by his original agreement with the team. Boston’s current left fielder, Masataka Yoshida, was a little miffed. “I respect Ted Williams as a legend, but I don’t think he can just come back and take my spot,” Yoshida said. Boston is currently in last place in the AL East with a modest 39-37 record.

Other teams have chimed in as well. The Oakland A’s and Kansas City Royals want Major League Baseball to institute a lottery system where the teams with the worst records have the first shot at a contract with Williams. “It’s not fair or legal for Boston to claim Ted Williams. He retired after the 1960 season. His contract with them expired long ago,” said Royals manager Matt Quatraro. ” Perennial cellar dwellers such as the Royals should have first dibs. I only ask MLB to give us a chance, man! I can’t afford a team payroll like the Yankees.”

However, not everyone is happy with the idea of resurrecting Williams. Some critics have questioned the ethics and legality of growing human bodies from cells, as well as the potential health risks and psychological effects of bringing someone back from the dead. Others have challenged the fairness of allowing a genetically enhanced and artificially aged player to compete in the major leagues.

“This is an insult to the legacy of Ted Williams and the integrity of baseball,” said St. Louis manager Oliver Marmol. “He should remain in the Hall of Fame, and not allowed on the field, again.”

Upside Foods has not revealed how much the project will cost. The company says that it is confident it can overcome any technical and regulatory hurdles and they are motivated by a vision of honoring one of the greatest athletes of all time. “Technologically has come a long way. I can’t think of a better candidate for this project than a decorated war hero and baseball legend,” said Upside Foods CEO Uma Valeti. “And to the negative Nellies out there, we are not trying to play God. Instead, we are playing ball. Play Ball!”

If Revive-A-Cell is successful, Ted Williams has potential to add to his already stellar MLB stats. Who knows? Williams could achieve records such as oldest player to hit a home run, only player to hit .400 in three different decades, or he could overtake Babe Ruth in career on base percentage. Only time will tell. Play ball…play ball, indeed.

BY BS

The Journalist BS