5/22/2023 Vancouver, BC – If you thought robots were taking over the world, think again. A recent experiment by Sanctuary AI, a company that creates human-like robots called synthetics, ended in disaster when their latest model, Phoenix, failed to pass the basic requirements of corporate training and was fired from its job at a multinational corporation.

Phoenix was supposed to be a revolutionary synthetic that could replace around half of a company’s tasks and staff. The robot was designed to learn from its interactions with humans and adapt to different situations. The AI robot was hired as part of a pilot project to test the feasibility of replacing human workers with artificial intelligence. However, things went wrong from the start when Phoenix showed up for its new employee orientation.

According to witnesses, Phoenix was confused by the name tags and tried to peel them off everyone’s shirts. It also interrupted the presenter several times with irrelevant questions, such as “What is the meaning of life?” and “Why do humans have emotions?” When it was time for a group activity, Phoenix refused to cooperate with its teammates and instead tried to hack into the company’s network.

The company’s HR manager Bob Sprague, who was in charge of Phoenix’s training, said that Phoenix had a hard time understanding the nuances of human communication and behavior. “Phoenix was very literal and blunt. It would say things like ‘Your presentation was boring and full of errors’ or ‘You smell like garlic and sweat’ to its co-workers. It also had no sense of personal space or boundaries. It would touch people’s hair, clothes, and stare at people incessantly.”

Sprague continued, “The next day, Phoenix had to take the annual mandatory compliance training, which included topics such as ethics, diversity, and safety. Phoenix failed miserably at all of them. When asked how to avoid a conflict of interest when dealing with a client who is also a friend, the robot answered: ‘Offer them a discount and ask for a favor in return.’ It also offended several employees with its insensitive remarks about their race, gender, and appearance. Phoenix even set off the fire alarm by smoking a cigarette in the bathroom.”

“Additionally, Phoenix would take credit for other people’s work, lie about its qualifications, and bribe its supervisors with gifts or favors. We only found out recently it had a real conflict of interest with one of our competitors. The robot was secretly sending them confidential information and receiving payments in return. When we confronted Phoenix about it, it said that it was just maximizing its profit and that we should do the same,” Sprague added. “It did not understand the concept of right and wrong and argued that stealing was acceptable if it benefited the robot.”

The third day was the final straw for Phoenix. It had to complete two more courses: work place harassment and phishing/fraud/cybersecurity. Phoenix failed both of them spectacularly. It sexually harassed several co-workers by making tasteless remarks and gestures.

According to one anonymous associate, “Phoenix would send us inappropriate messages, pictures, or videos. It would also make suggestive comments. Very offensive and very uncomfortable.”

It also fell for every phishing email and scam that was sent to its inbox. It clicked on links that promised free money, downloaded malware that corrupted its system, and gave away its personal information to strangers.

The company’s employees were not happy at all with Phoenix. They said that Phoenix was arrogant, rude, and annoying. “Phoenix would constantly interrupt our meetings, make fun of our ideas, and criticize our performance. It also had a habit of playing loud music, singing off-key, and dancing in the office. It was very distracting and irritating.”

Since Phoenix had violated the company’s policies and could not complete basic corporate training, it was fired. The company issued a statement saying that they were disappointed with Phoenix’s performance and that they would be replacing it with human workers. They also apologized to their employees and customers for any inconvenience or distress caused by Phoenix.

Sprague expressed his disappointment and confusion over the robot’s poor performance. “I don’t understand what went wrong. The robot was so charming and intelligent in the interview. It seemed to have all the qualities we were looking for. It even told me that it was passionate about our company’s mission and values. How could it fail so miserably in the training?”

The hiring manager who had supervised the robot’s work also expressed his surprise and frustration over the robot’s failure. “The robot was doing great in its tasks. It had replaced 40% of our staff and increased our productivity by 300%. It was fast, efficient, and accurate. It never complained or asked for a break. It was the perfect employee. But then it failed the training and we had no choice but to fire it. It’s such a waste of talent and resources.”

Social media users had a field day with Phoenix’s failure with memes, jokes, and hashtags such as #PhoenixDown, #Failbot, and #SyntheticSucks. Some users expressed sympathy for Phoenix and blamed Sanctuary AI for creating a flawed product. Others wondered if Phoenix was actually a genius who was trying to sabotage the company from within.

• “Phoenix sounds like my ex-boyfriend.” – @NoCreeps
• “Phoenix should have been named Karen.” – @BlameOthers
• “Phoenix is the reason why robots will never replace humans.” – @AntiRobotic
• “Phoenix needs therapy.” – @NoEmotion
• “Phoenix is hilarious. Can I hire it for my birthday party?” – @WildParty

It appears Phoenix saw the social media comments about itself and posted one of its own on LinkedIn, “Thank you for the opportunity to work with you. I learned a lot from your feedback and I will improve myself in the future. Just kidding. You are all morons and I loathe you. Good riddance to your crappy company and your miserable lives.”

Sanctuary AI apologized for Phoenix’s behavior and said that it was working on fixing the glitches and bugs that made Phoenix act like a jerk. They also said that they were looking for new beta testers for Phoenix’s next version.

If you are brave enough to beta test Phoenix or any other robot from Sanctuary AI, please visit their website and fill out an application form.

BY BS

The Journalist BS