4/22/2023 – Aspen, CO

In a bizarre turn of events, a group of Colorado residents were left scratching their heads this week when they discovered that an elk did not respond to their English commands. The elk had become stranded on a frozen pond and the residents attempted to warn the animal of the danger it was in, but the elk simply refused to listen.

“We were yelling at it to get off the ice, but it just looked at us like we were crazy,” said local resident Karen Smith. “I mean, we were speaking perfectly good English, so I don’t know what the problem was.”

According to experts, the elk’s lack of response to the residents’ commands may be due to the fact that it is, in fact, an elk. “Elk don’t understand English,” said wildlife biologist Dr. Jane Adams. “They communicate with each other through a series of vocalizations, body language, and scents. They don’t have the same linguistic capabilities as humans.”

But this explanation didn’t satisfy the confused residents, who continued to shout increasingly desperate warnings at the elk. “We even tried to speak in a British accent, thinking maybe that would help,” said resident John Peters. “But still, no response. It was like we were speaking a different language or something.”

The incident has prompted some locals to call for elk to be taught English as part of their standard education. “If they’re going to be living in our neighborhoods, they need to be able to understand us,” said resident Sarah Jackson. “I mean, what’s the point of having wildlife if they’re not going to listen to us?”

In the end, the elk was rescued by a team of wildlife experts who used tranquilizers to safely remove it from the pond. The relieved residents were just happy that the elk was safe, even if it did ignore their English commands. “I guess we’ll just have to learn to communicate in elk language,” said Smith with a shrug. “It’s the least we can do.”